Pashinyan’s and Aliyev’s funny encounter with Erdogan in Ankara

By Jirair Tutunjian

 

On their way back from signing the “peace treaty” at the White House (“the most beautiful and fantastic building in all of history,” according to its current resident), Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan and President Ilham Aliyev stopped in Ankara for a courtesy call and to give details of their White House meeting to President-for-Life Reccep T. Erdogan. But before they could meet Mr. Erdogan at his Cumhurbaskangli residence, the two leaders had to go through a barrage of security checks, including body search, blood tests, and proof of ethnic identity going back five generations. And finally assurance that they hadn’t eaten peaches in the previous four days because Mr. Erdogan is sensitive to peach fuzz.

Finally, the two leaders were led to the hall Erdogan calls “office.” The three armed security men sent an electronic message to the gatekeeper to open the 15-feet ornate gate decorated with images of wolves.

Gatekeeper: I am not allowed to open the gate.

Aliyev: Why not? This is ridiculous.

Pashinyan: (In broken Turkish) Despite the exhausting sessions in Washington, we made the effort to stop in Ankara to tell my friend President Erdogan about our meeting with the Orange Man.

Aliyev: I repeat Nicola’s words. Open the gate.

The gold-enameled gate remains shut. While the two leaders debate what to do, the gate opens and six security people and as many heavily-armed soldiers escort them to Erdogan’s office. The great man looks depressed. He is biting the rubber tip of his HB yellow pencil.

Pashinyan-Aliyev: What’s the matter? You look unhappy.

Erdogan: Why wouldn’t I be unhappy? I feel betrayed and insulted. The honor of Turkey has been sullied.

Pashinyan: Why?

Erdogan: The whole world has heard Donald call me his “beautiful and best friend.” Yet, he didn’t invite me to the peace treaty. It is a slap and a severe insult to our country.

Aliyev: You know the man. His middle name is Hype. Don’t be offended…the man is noisier than that crazy musical instrument the Scots play…bag something.

Erdogan: I am sure presidents, prime ministers, kings, princes, the Pope, people in the Middle East, and the global media are laughing at my expense.

Pashinyan passes paper tissue to Erdogan because the ex-footballer’seyes have watered.

Erdogan: I hate this place. The land around the palace is named after my arch enemy Yahoudi Mustafa Kemal. And when this barn of a palace was built my enemies criticized me for spending $615 million. They started calling it Kacak Seray. Nicholas, do you know that it means? Illegal Palace.

Pashinyan: It’s a beautiful and wonderful building. I hear it has 1,000 rooms.

Erdogan: Several years ago my wife tried to count the number of rooms and offices. She lost count after 300. I hate this place. Although I was promised a palace with Seljuk and Ottoman architectural influences after the building was finished, I learned the architects had borrowed elements from the Topkapi Palace and Dolmabahce Palace.

Pashinyan: As you know, the architects of both were Armenian—Mimar Sinan and the Balyans—father and son.

Aliyev: You Armenians forever claim famous people are Ermeni.Although Charles Aznavour was a Frenchman whose parents came from Turkey, you unashamedly claim he was Armenian. Aram Khachaturian was born in Georgia and lived in Russia. You also claim him.

Pashinyan: Turks claim Turkish navigators discovered the Americas. They say the navigators saw a minaret on the northern shore of Cuba. Then there’s the Turkish exploration of space 700…800 years ago.

Erdogan: Enough of this bosh talk. Why are you here? Have you come to push me deeper into my depression? It was I who forced peace on both of you, but the Orange Man is getting the plaudits as peacemaker, Nobel Peace nominee.

Pashinyan: Public relations was invented in the United States.

Erdogan: I am developing a severe headache. You better go. But don’t forget to have our ice-cold tea. Each glass—embedded with gold—cost one thousand liras and the marble you are standing on cost 3,000 Euros per square meter. We bought them in Italy.

As the security people escort Aliyev and Pashinyan out of the hall, Aliyev races back to Erdogan who is downing lavender juice for his headache.

Erdogan: What now?

Aliyev: There is no peace treaty. It was all show to make the Orange Man look good. Remember the Oslo and Camp David agreementsbetween Arabs and Jews? Pffft. All show. All photo op. They are still fighting.