Pashinyan’s Follies

By Jirair Tutunjian

 

Earlier this year Nikol Pashinyan and his live-in girlfriend Anna Hakobyan (they are not married) had a meeting in their bedroom to put final touches to Nikol’s Grand Plan: the insanely ambitious dream to re-fashion Armenia and its citizens.

 

Anna Hakobyan: Nikol jan, let’s wrap it up quickly. I have to go out with the girls.

Nikol Pashinyan: There was once a Dr. Victor Frankenstein who dreamt of creating a new human being, just as God had done. While the experiment was fictional as featured in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, in the last century a number of leaders tried to create their version of the New Man. Adolf Hitler wanted to create the pure Aryan, the ubermensch, the Super Man. Joseph Stalin failed to create homos sovieticus. Mao Tse-Tung sacrificed millions of lives to create the Mao Man. He also failed. My plan to create homo armenicus will succeed because I have studied why Hitler, Stalin, and Mao failed.

AH: Please rush it. I have hairstylist appointment.

NP: You just said you were meeting friends….Never mind. To create the New Armenian we have to dismantle his sense of identity, his connection to Armenian history, Armenian culture, and his traditional Christian identity.

AH: Agreed, but how would you do it?

NP: I thought about this long and hard. I concluded it all starts with dismantling the Armenian Church which is the major repository of our culture and identity. I will first dismantle the current Church and replace it with a puppet Etchmiadzin which will promote my ideas about the New Armenian. Vladimir Zelensky was short-sighted when he persecuted the Ukrainian Orthodox Church. He alienated millions of Ukrainians. I will not make his mistakes.

AH: You are always sly. How will you bring down Catholicos Karekin II?

NP: He has a wife and a daughter. We will expose his conjugal relationship and force him to resign. Once he is out, I know what to do.

AH: Slow down, Nicky. Every citizen of Armenia over the age of twelve probably knows about Karekin’s affair. Your “revelation” will be buried in the classified pages. By the way, where would you get the money for your conspiracy?

NP: You know very well from where: I have overseas friends. Not Diaspora Armenians. People who helped me get elected. Have I told you about the Prayer Breakfast organization?

AH: Do they pray while having omelet and sausages?

NP: Don’t be sarcastic. The American evangelical movement is interested in Armenia. A Prayer Breakfast delegation will soon come to Armenia and set up a Prayer Breakfast.

AH: Nikol, it sounds bizarre and ridiculous. Evangelical missionaries from the United States of Trump will fly to Yerevan to preach true Christianity to a people whose nation was the first to become Christian. These silly people probably have clergymen named Father Bobby, Father Billy…. Are you saying they will help you bring down Karekin?

NP: I can’t say more. American marketing professionals will persuade people that Etchmiadzin is corrupt and spiritually bankrupt. Remember it was Americans who invented public relations. The global media will pick up the story. The citizens of Armenia will read the exposés and react. During the Yerevan Prayer Breakfast politicians, foreign foundations, media personalities, and evangelical leaders will discuss the moral challenges Armenia is facing and how to return the country to our traditional values.

AH: Nicky, very sneaky, as usual. You, an atheist, will run Etchmiadzin and make it your mouthpiece.

NP: You got it, Anna. Once I have Etchmiadzin in my pocket, I will focus on changing the Armenian identity through the Church, through Sunday sermons, encyclicals, and gontags. That’s what this whole game is about. Remember that Holy Mass is drama and the altar is the stage. The new Armenian will be placid, obedient, and malleable. He will be embarrassed about the dismal deeds of our ancient and modern heroes. He will believe we bear responsibility for the Genocide and dismiss the idea of recovering Western Armenia as fantasy. It will then be a breeze to convince them our future is with brotherly Turkiye and neighborly Azerbaijan.

Anna: What about the Diaspora?

NP: What about the Diaspora? Since they don’t live here, their views aren’t worth a dram.

Anna: Will you call your redesigned Armenian homo Pashinyanus?

NP: That’s a thought. What will be the color of your hair this time?