Even Paranoids Have Enemies
By Jirair Tutunjian
After one of his trade-marked rants in the Offal Office, Emperor of the Universe Donald Trump was carried, his mouth frothing, to the nearby emergency therapy room set up recently. Therapist Shimuel Goldberg, and two other psychiatrist had been on duty 24/7 for such an emergency.
Dr. Goldberg: How are you feeling, Mr. President?
Trump: What a stupid question. What do you think I feel?
Dr. Goldberg: I am here to help you when you go through a rough patch. After all, you have the most high pressure job in the solar galaxy.
Trump: You can say that again.
Dr. Goldberg: You have the most…
Trump: Are you nuts? It was a figure of speech. Enough of the feel-good talk. How you gonna help me?
Dr. Goldberg: To help you I need to know what worries you, who worries you, what upsets you?
Trump: How much time do you have? The usual 45-minute shrink session will not do. Here we go, doc.
–The Iran War. It’s costing me $900 million a day. Some of our people have been killed, and everywhere we are under attack. I have become the most hated man in the universe.
–The tariff. It was going to bring down prices but instead prices went up. As a result, my popularity is in the pits.
–The Wall Street scorpions, chameleons, sharks, and low lives are publicizing fake stats to bring me down. The Wall Street is cratering and they are blaming me for the collapse.
–The rats at the Supreme Court want me jailed.
–Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost is haunting me. He appears in my dreams and threatens to reveal to investigators the names of scores of underage girls I supposedly knew. You know what Paul Newman said when he was asked whether he had wondering eyes. “Why look for hamburger when I have steak at home? My steak is super-beautiful Melania.
Dr. Goldberg: Do you know what Melania means?
Trump: No.
Dr. Goldberg: It means Black Woman in Greek.
Trump: No, no. You are trying to get a reaction from me so you can tell to the presstitutes. You must have heard of MEGA. They were the millions of people who voted for me. Now they are split into hostile camps. Many of them have turned against me, thanks to the loudmouths Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Marjorie Taylor Greene.
—Then there are the traitors Governor Mark Carney of Canada, Claudia Sheinbaum of drug den Mexico…don’t forget chinless winder Keir Smarmer, Germany’s Nazi-Martian Friedrich, and the Danish fatso Matte Fredericksen…
–Don’t forget the so-called stand-up comedians…jokers like Bill Maher and his fellow losers Kimmel, Fallon, Colbert.
–Joe Rogan…I could strangle him with my bare hands.
–What’s her name…billionaire Adelson’s slutty widow. She phones me every day and pushes me to declare Greater Israel legitimate. Never fails to remind me of the millions she gave me.
–Then there the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse: waitress Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressley, Palestinian terrorist RashidaTleib, African Ilhan Omar and a slew of ugly feminists who are jealous of my beautiful wife.
Dr. Goldberg: Enough. Please stop. Catch your breath. Here’s a glass of water.
Trump: What I need is a large glass of Bloody Mary. You’ve heard of AI. I call it Asinine Intelligence. These upstarts refuse to do my bidding.I will fix them good.
And let’s not forget Bernie Sanders, Rachel Maddow, Norman Finkelstein, Rabbi Yaakov Shapiro…
Doc, if you think you’ve heard it all…just wait. Here are more people who plot against me: Whitney Webb, Jimmy Dore, Candace Owens, Jon Stewart, Chris Hedges, Max Blumenthal, Glenn Greenwald, Scott Ritter, Steve Bannon, George Galloway, Nick Fuentes, Dave Chapelle, Matt Gaitz.
Dr. Goldberg: Stop it. Enough.
Trump: Anna Kaprielian, Cenk Uygur, Jackson Hinkle, Alastair Crooke, Kim Iverson, Mehdi Hasan, John Mersheimer, Kevork Elmassian, Bella Margaret Stutkin, Bassem Yousef, Lockey…
Dr. Goldberg: Nurses, nurses…
While the four male nurses strap Trump, the Emperor of the Universe continues to babble:
You don’t know it, but my greatest enemy is Benny Netanyahu. He bribed me and then blackmailed me for accepting his bribe. Knowing about my extracurricular affairs, he forced me to recognize Palestinian Jerusalem as the capital of Zionia. He forced me to help him commit the genocide of Palestinians…and now the mad, suicidal war against Iran….What time is it? Doc. Ah…get me to Alfredo’s, the best make-up man this side of the Tiber.
