A Practical Proposal By Three Latin Heads
By Jirair Tutunjian
The below letter was sent to Armenian Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan
by President Abelarde de la Esprielle of Colombia.
Dear Hon. Nikol Vovayi Pashinyan, Prime Minister of Armenia,
I would like to congratulate you for winning Armenia’s recent election.
I am expressing these words also on behalf of our neighbors—Delcy
Rodrigues, acting president of Venezuela and Daniel Roy Gilchrist
Noboa Azin of Ecuador. Three of us are proudly right wing and are in
the American club, like you.
I am writing to propose a revolutionary but practical idea. I hope you
approach it with the firm belief that we mean well.
For many decades, the people of the world have been confused by the
similarity of our flags. This fact has also irritated people. Bad PR. By the
way, the similarity doesn’t stop with our two countries: Colombia’s
neighbors—Venezuela and Ecuador—have flags similar to that of
Colombia’s. The leaders of our two neighbors share my thoughts and
recommendations.
I am proposing that Armenia make a slight alteration to its flag and
adopt our flag. My friends–the leaders of Ecuador and Venezuela–are
prepared to replace their flags with the almost-identical Colombian
flag.
Armenia and Colombia share a great deal of history, culture and
religion. Our second-largest metropolis is named Armenia. It’s the heart
of our coffee industry. We know that it was Armenian merchants who
introduced coffee to Europe. Like Armenians, Colombians are Christian.
We have a deep respect for the nation of Armenians who were the first
to adopt Christianity as national religion. As well, there are many
Colombian place names (streams, villages, brooks, and valleys) which
are named Armenia. I have also noted that the colors of our flags have
similar symbolism.
I have taken the initiative to invite you to adopt our flag because of
your enlightened flexibility and your vigorous shattering of bankrupt
and tired customs which are choking your homeland. I believe every
day is a new day and is pregnant with responsibilities and
opportunities. For example, you are deleting the Biblical Mount Ararat
from your national symbolism. Although your Church is the oldest, you
have not hesitated to attack His Majesty Kyryakin Segundo, your Pope
who is better known as Catholicos, reflecting our traditional Roman
Catholic affinity. We also admire your jailing of a preposterous
clergymen.
We should not let tired and bankrupt nationalism and the oceans
obstruct our brave and enlightened idea. The world will be grateful to
Armenia. Sharing a flag will be an invitation to Armenia to join our
tripartite club.
What will be benefits of sharing our flag? Venezuela will sell gas and oil
to Armenia at deep discount. Armenia will no longer need the Russian
subsidy and markets. My country is famous for its gems. Armenia’s
expert gem cutters would benefit from the gems Colombia will sell to
you at discount. Following decades of fighting communist rebels and
drug lords, our armies are war hardened. Our veterans can train your
soldiers. Of course, we would sell you coffee and produce at deep
discount.
What would we buy from you? Rare earths, molybdenum, brandy,
wine, and dried fruits. We also require chess tutelage by your global
champions.
As you can see, it’s a win-win-win proposal.
We realize the place of your flag in your history. Unfortunately, it has
been raised for too often at battles Armenia lost.
We invite you to join our winning team.
On a personal note, we have observed that you are prematurely losing
your hair meanwhile expanding your middle. Too many state
luncheons, Nick? I understand. Our native Indios, called Jivaro and long
ago practitioners of head shrinking, have discovered an exotic glue that
restores hair while simultaneously shrinking the belly. Enclosed is a free
sample of the miraculous Amazon’s gift to humanity and to you.
Respectfully and Cheerfully,
Abelarde
