Israel’s Recognition of Armenian Genocide Explained
By Jirair Tutunjian
Prior to recognizing the Genocide of Armenians, Benjamin Netanyahu
invited to his office Dr. Yehuda ben-Shapira, Israel’s top expert of
alternate history, kabalistic interpretation of DNA, and esoteric
religions.
BN: It’s a great occasion to meet a great man like you, Doctor ben-
Shapira. Please, pick a chair. You have the unique historic opportunity
to rescue the reputation of Eretz Israel and elevate our image in a
jealous and hostile world.
DR: I am all ears.
BN: In a week, I will announce Israel’s recognition of the Armenian
Genocide. We expect naysayer gossips and our enemies to say the
recognition comes very late and is intended to hurt Turkey rather than
support Armenians’ just cause.
I would like you to delve into our ancient books and find affinities
between us and the Armenians so that I might announce the
recognition as an honest gesture to an old friend. That way our enemies
will not claim our genocide recognition is primarily meant to hurt
Turkey…Turkiyey…Turkyea…whatever Erdogan calls that blood-soaked
land these days.
DR: But you had all the time in the world to recognize the Armenian
Genocide. Why now?
BN: That’s where you come in. I want you to dive into your esoteric
history books and unearth millennial friendship ties between us and the
Armenians. You have one week to present what I am looking for. If you
deliver what I need, you will be promoted and get a raise, in addition,
we will pay for a week at the French Esoteric Institute on the Riviera.
A week later, Dr. ben-Yahuda returns. He is carrying reams of yellowed
manuscripts, thick tomes written by medieval scholars such as Judah ibn
Gabriol, Solomon Hevron, Philo Ben-Sira and other mavens of alternate
history.
BN : Well? Did you find what I want?
DR: I think I have dug up interesting facts which should be useful to
you.
BN: Let’s hear it.
DR.: More than two millennia ago, our historical geography experts and
mapmakers reported that the biggest Armenian province was
Azkazounian. The first three letters mean nation in Armenian. The
people of Azkazounian eventually moved to Europe where they
changed their name to Ashkenazi. That’s the first link between us and
the Armenians.
BN: Excellent. Keep on.
DR.: You might know that nearly a century before the birth of Yoshua,
King Dikran the Great of Armenia took thousands of captive Jews to
Armenia. They were given free land. There were towns which were
wholly Jewish. In time, these Jews became a powerful presence and
were known as the Pakradouni principality. They played a vital role in
the defense of Armenia.
Intermarriage was common between Jews and Armenians. This
tradition continues. The world chess champion Tigran Ter-Petrosian’s
wife was Rona Avinezer. She was a Jew. The wife of Prime Minster
Levon Ter-Petrosian is Lyudmilla who is also Jewish. Ruben Vardanian’s
wife is Veronica Zonabend. She, too, is Jewish. Chess champion Mikhail
Botvinnik’s wife was Gayane.
BN: Wow. This is wonderful. What else did you unearth?
DR.: In Ancient Esoteric Compendium by Prof. Shlomo ben-Sharon we
learn that a barbarian horde called Turkess was related to the accursed
Amaleks. Thus, a case can be made that the Israeli-Turkish hostility goes
back centuries. The Turks are the Amaleks.
BN: This is incredible. I will double your bonus. Since the Turks are the
Amaleks, we can justify an attack on Erdoland. We will have the Tanach
as our justification. Yes, yes, now we can begin preparing for war with
the grandchildren of the fat and drunkard sultans.
DR.: There’s more. It’s no accident that Jews and Armenians have
prominent noses. That, too, confirms our millennia-old association. Like
us, Armenians are adept in commerce.
BN: You’ve done an amazing job. When we take Istanbul, you will be my
guest at the best Bosporus kebab restaurant. Pure raki will flow. On
your way out, please fetch my secretaries.
Come in, come in, ladies. Listen to me. Contact all the members of my
cabinet and tell my ministers to meet me in the War Room at 6 tonight.
