Avian High Court Condemns

By Jirair Tutunjian

There were hundreds of delegates from around the globe: representatives from some 190 nations who had flown long distances to condemn the bird-brains among them. All were angry as they chirped, hooted, cawed, trilled, and screeched demanding the various culprits be punished by the cancellation of their membership in the Avian Confederation.

There was the bald eagle of the United State, in addition to the cocky French rooster and the frenzied Portuguese Red Rooster who were in unison in their condemnation of the accused. In addition, there were the Argentine Red Robin, Colombia’s majestic Condor, and Canada’s mild-mannered Loon. Australia’s Emu was inexplicably accompanied by a Koala which snoozed throughout the event. The double-headed Russian eagle, the Lithuanian stork, and Greenland’s dove were all aflutter. So were the canaries.

There were quetzals, cardinals, robins, hawks, owls, crows, kites, quails, cranes, storks, and a hundred more of the feathered fraternity and sorority.

While the gathering was for avian members, a number of nations had dispatched non-avian animals as auditors. Thus, a zebra from Botswana, a lion and lioness (United Kingdom), Mr. and Mrs. Tiger (Malaysia), and a camel (Saudi Arabia) were in attendance. China, Indonesia, and Wales had sent dragons. They had all come to condemn particularly Britain and Turkey.

Botswana’s Mr. Akela Woo Jimbo was the first plaintiff. He roared: “Why has Britain appropriated our African lion as its symbol? When was the last time any lion roamed in Nottingham Forest? What are the stone lions doing at London’s Trafalgar Square? The British have a perfectly good native bird: the European Robin. Why don’t the British honor it, rather purloin our lion?”

Italy’s sparrow argued it’s inconceivable that Scotland would use the mythical unicorn as national symbol when it has the lovely partridge. “It’s degrading to have as one’s national symbol an imaginary animal. Besides, the horn has nasty sexual connotations. The Scots are a level-headed people: I don’t understand their fanciful notion. Basta.”

Belize’s toucan complained about the number of nations which have adopted the eagle as their national symbol. “The United States, Indonesia, Panama, Albania, Russia, Serbia, and Spain have all made the eagle their national symbol. When there are thousands of other birds, why be obsessed by Brother Eagle?” he asked.

However, the strongest condemnation came from the American bald eagle: He said: “Why has Turkey insulted brother turkey by changing its name to the ridiculous Turkiye? Has Erdogan’s Turkiye become more progressive, more law-abiding because of the disassociation with our turkey? What was wrong with Turkey? What has placed turkey done to Turkey that it should be publicly discarded and shamed in this manner? For hundreds of years, brother turkey has sacrificed its life millions of times to feed Americans on their Thanksgiving Eve. And without their sacrifice in the 17^th century, the Puritans would have died of starvation. Dowager turkey is ever eager to help the hungry and even provide quill to writers who appreciate calligraphy.

“Some years ago, Kentucky Fried Chicken changed its name to KFC because of the fast-food dispenser’s extreme use of fats. Critics said then: ‘KFC, you can run but you can’t hide.’ Turkiye might don a new, but it’s still the same turkey.”

“Is Turkiyeish the language people now speak in Turkiye?

“Does this mean Turkishness is now Turkiyeness?

“What does a Turk call himself now? Turkiyeman?

“How about the name of the diabetes-inducing so-called Turkish Delight?

“When Turkiye insults the turkey bird, it insults all the birds of our Blue Planet.

“Our brother turkey didn’t decide its name. Neither did it steal its name from Turkey. When it lay its life to prevent the starvation of the Pilgrim Fathers and Mothers stately turkey hadn’t heard of the bloody Seljuk or Ottoman Turks.

“We demand Turkey’s Erdogan revert his country’s name to Turkey. Otherwise, the Avian Confederation will remind the world that every year countless migrating birds crossing Asia Minor are killed by Turkish “hunters” who dismiss nature preservation as Western hubris. These “hunters” are the descendants of the same Turks who hunted 1.5 million Armenians. In contrast, in Armenia you see thousands of crane nests on top of low-slung buildings. Armenians even have songs about the crane, the lori, dzidzernag, and the sparrow.

“Thank you for your attention. It’s time to submit to the ballot box your decision regarding Turkey’s intemperate name change, Britain’s obnoxious decision to appropriate Africa’s lion and Scotland’s fanciful adoption of the mythical unicorn.

If your condemnation of Turkey wins the most votes, all birds—from the North Pole to the South Pole will change their migration paths to avoid flying over Turkey.