Donroe Doctrine Deciphered

By Jirair Tutunjian

 

It’s 3 a.m. and President Obese and Alcoholic Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth are conferring deep in the bowels of Pentagon.

President: Eat, Pete.

Hegseth: What are you having?

President: I have the Big Arch here. It’s the newest and biggest McDonald’s burger. It has two beef patties, three slices of processed white cheese, onion, sauce…the works. I also have a double order of French fries…and two family-size diet Dr. Peppers. Dive, Pete.

Hegseth: Talking about doctors, you’ve gotta check those calories. The fries alone must be around 800 calories.

President: Pete, first you cut the sauce…the gin which you call your poison of choice. Everyone at the White House calls you DP…Drunken Pete. Hey, what kind of name is Hegseth? Doesn’t sound like a White name.

Hegseth: It’s Norwegian. It means bird cherry farm.

President: A fruit…ha, ha… cherry no less. Hegseth, your secret is safe with me. Now let’s get down to business, as we say on Wall Street.

I am sure you are familiar with the so-called Monroe Doctrine. Monroe—no relation to Marilyn—was a decent president. He negotiated the purchase of Louisiana from the Frenchies and finessed Florida from the Dagos…these days they call themselves Spaniards.

Monroe was a conservative guy. The doctrine bearing his name is smart but not daring enough. He didn’t do the whole job. I am going to take the doctrine to its logical conclusion.

Hegseth: I am lost. What are you talking about?

President: The Monroe Doctrine warned Europeans not to interfere in the Western Hemisphere. It was a half measure. Monroe didn’t go the whole hog.

Hegseth: Mr. President, I’d be careful about using words like “hog.” Muslims might be offended.

President: My dear Cherry Tree, don’t tell me you’ve gone politically correct…joined the Woke crowd.  Where was I?

O.K. Listen carefully. The Monroe Doctrine didn’t finish the job. Those two-faced Europeans still have their fingers in our affairs. Britain has Anguilla, the Caymans, Montserrat, Turks and Caicos. Dwarf Holland has Curacao, Sint Maarten, Aruba. France has Martinique, Guadeloupe, Barthelmy…and St. Pierre Miquelon a few miles from Canada.

Hegseth: Wow. I am impressed. I didn’t know you knew so much geography.

President: Geography is beautiful. No president knew as much geography and I do…that includes Mr. Genius himself…Hosein Obama.

Hegseth: I am all ears.

President: Is that some kind of jive talk by our African-American bros?

Hegseth:  No, no…it’s a traditional phrase which says I am listening with all my heart.

President: Don’t go all gooey on me. Listen. Back to business. In addition to the Caribbean islands, there are the Azores, Bermuda, theFalklands. All European owned.

Hegseth: Bermuda and the Falklands are in the Brit sphere while Azores belongs to NATO member Portugal.

President: Will you stop interrupting me? I am devising the greatest, most beautiful strategy while you throw distractions my way.

Hegseth: Sorry, Mr. President.

President: Don’t forget your role here. You are my sounding board.

Hegseth: I accept the designation proudly.

President: The Monroe Doctrine was a half measure, as I explained. I am proposing that we take over everything offshore of the Americas…Greenland, St. Pierre and Miquelon, the Azores, Bermuda, the Bahamas, the thirteen Caribbean nations, the Falklands…

Hegseth: It’s a brilliant move…only the world’s chess champion would appreciate your daring genius.

President: I am also considering a bunch of place names. Once we liberate these countries, I will launch a place name change. The Bermudas will become Melania. The Bahamas will become Melanie. Barbados will become Mello…like that. I hate the name Azores. It reminds me of hemorrhoids. I might call it Magaland.

Hegseth: I’ve got to give it to you, Mr. President. You are a genius. But what about the reaction from the European nations…especially those cheese-eating surrender monkey Frenchies… the frog and horse eating French? Just a few hours ago, France, Germany, Norway, and Sweden sent military staff to Greenland. They will be followed by soldiers who will undertake military exercises.

President: Woooo, I am scared. Don’t make me laugh. Our ICE goons can handle those yellow-bellied Europeans.

Tell me something, Pete. We know Greenland is wall-to-wall ice. Why is it called Greenland?

Hegseth:  When a Viking adventurer named Erik the Red discovered Greenland, he naturally wanted to populate it. To attract immigrants to the icy island, he called the place Greenland.

President: It sounds like Erik was real operator…a man blessed with a knack for PR. Like me.

Hegseth: Aye, aye.

President: You haven’t heard my final touch: I will change the Americas to Trumplandia.

Hegseth: I’ll drink to that.