On Sale: Muscle-bound Words
By Jirair Tutunjian
Deep in the bowels of the Hexagon, three men are in deep thought. Earlier in the day, a message from the White House had ordered them to come up with an evocative word or phrase President of the Globeplanned to use to describe his upcoming attack on Iran. For security reasons, three men were named Tom, Dick, and Harry. A new-hire, Harry had worked in Hollywood until recently, dreaming up catchy phrases and slogans to market mammoth productions based on comic-book heroes.
Harry: How about “Operation Persian Carpet”?
Tom: It will not do. It evokes Aladdin, the Arabian Nights. It conveys romance, not aggression. Our phrase should evoke violence, power, superiority, and the threat of death.
Dick: You can say that it’s the first bullet of a war.
Harry: Before I started here, I went through the history of war operation names. Did you know when in the Second World War the British attacked German railways, they called their mission Chattanooga Chou-Chou?
Dick: Perhaps that’s why the Brits were losing the war until we rescued them. Some people have the knack while others don’t. Take the French….please. Their Vietnam operations were tagged Adolph, Brochet, Hirondelle, and Papillion. I wonder why they didn’t have Camembert or Brie. I bet Vietnamese fighters dropped their guns and fled to the jungle when they heard these frightening words. Some people have the knack while others don’t. Even we failed the test at one time. We had namby-pamby named such as Operation Earnest Will, Praying Mantis, and Nimble Ardor. Anti-Castro operations were called Peter Pan, Mongoose, and incredibly Phibriglex. The plan was to topple dictator Ortsca (Castro).
Tom: Enough about ancient braggadocio. We have only 45 minutes left to come up with the phrase the 46th plus 1 President would approve.
Dick: We are going round and round but still we haven’t found the blood-curdling bon mots.
Tom: Let’s go over some of the previous war slogans. For example, “Operation Desert Storm” was pure genius.
Dick: I think “Operation Rolling Thunder” was more powerful. But my all-time favorite is Fearless Fury. Besides spreading fear, it was an alliteration.
Harry: I was pretty good at this in Hollywood. Remember “Houston, we have a problem”? “An offer you can’t refuse”? And “Just when you thought the water was safe”?
Tom: Harry, you still don’t get it. We are not writing a sentence. We are fishing for a phrase which will make him lose his confidence. This is a different ball of soup. Your words should threaten…intimidate…scare …
Dick: Over the years, we have coined “Neptune Spear,” “Eagle Claw,” “Iron Justice,” “Operation Urgent Fury,” “Spartan Scorpion,” “Warrior’s Rage,” “Beast Master.”
Harry: What do you think of Hollywood’s “Operation Justice League?”
Tom: It’s lame. You still don’t get it. The idea is to psychologically collapse the enemy.
Dick: Enough talk. We have only ten minutes left.
Tom: By the way, ideally the slogan should have three words with “operation” always the first word.
Harry: Operation…….
Tom: Fury… Operation Fury.
Dick: Close but no cigar. The President likes big, overblown gestures and words. Something pumped out, pimped up, like his golden hair…Macho Man stuff.
Harry: I got it…I think I got it. When I was in Hollywood helping with movie marketing campaigns, I discovered a sure fire word was “epic.” So, how about OPERATION EPIC FURY?
Tom: By God, you’ve got it, Harry.
Dick: The President will love it. Operation Epic Fury will make Iranians freeze before the first bomb falls on Dhahran.
Harry: Dhahran is in Saudi Arabia. You mean Tehran.
Dick: What’s the difference? They’re all towel heads.
