Shooting Stars

By Jirair Tutunjian

 

Aram Chermoyan: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your MC. This is an ARMO-TV exclusive: a debate between two antagonists… PMNikol Pashinyan and Catholicos Karekin II. We will give the first word to Mr. Pashinyan. Prime Minister, why are you so critical of Vehapar?

NP: How much time do we have? Let’s start with his immorality. Everyone knows he has several children. This is, of course, against the canonical laws of our Church.

KII: At least my friend doesn’t intrude into national affairs or distract our generals during the Artsakh War, and dressed immodestly pontificates on politics. She also spouts filthy language against Armenia’s media.

NP: Talking about filthy language, the Catholicos is rude, crude, common, capricious, vain, venal, vicious, abusive, authoritarian, intemperate, incompetent, and uncouth.

KII: I am impressed. How long did it take you to learn the alliterative sentence? During your yellow journalism days, you wrote sensationalistic garbage. When they were rejected because of libel, you ignorantly claimed freedom of the press. You were an incompetent, crude, common, vain, venal, vicious, and irresponsible “journalist.”

NP: Then there is your corrupt election. Kocharian, the Russians, and Diasporans raised money to bribe the voters. A wealthy Diasporan, from a family of benefactors, donated $3 million. As well, delegates from Russia and Armenia were illegally allowed a greater number of votes than the size of their congregations would have justified.

KII: Let’s talk about how you lost Artsakh. By the way, you caused the Azerbaijan invasion of Artsakh when you rashly hollered at a public gathering that Artsakh was Armenia. That gave Aliyev the justification to attack Artsakh. And when the war began, your military ordered Armenian fighters to withdraw from advantageous positions. The generals then broke communication with their soldiers. Meanwhile, Ms. Hagobyan—your loquacious paramour—was advising generals on how to conduct the war. After the war, you abandoned the 120,000 Artsakh residents and now mistreat them here, in Yerevan.

NP: Talking about mismanagement, the Holy Father defrocked 160 archbishops, bishops, vartabeds, and deacons. He also defrocked Archbishop Tiran Kyoureghyan of the New Nakhichevan Diocese and replaced him with his brother who was a mere priest. He has neglected ancient churches, damaged relations with the Jerusalem and Istanbul Patriarchs. And under his watch, a number of senior clergy have fathered children. Echmiadzin is a snake pit. There’s decline in clergy morals and morale. There is malaise and homosexuality. Where our Lord descended is now a cesspool.

Talking about mismanagement and chicanery, he bought six Toyotas for $309,000 and illegally avoided making the VAT payment. Meanwhile, one of his henchmen (Archbishop Navasart Kjoyan of the Araradian Diocese) drove a Bentley… one of the most expensive cars. No wonder Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons have penetrated Armenia.

KII: These false accusations pale when compared to his foreign policy and his anti-Armenian statements. In league with Turkey and Azerbaijan, he has launched an anti-Armenian history, culture, and identity policy. He wants to rewrite the Constitution to please the Turks. He has loudly wondered whether Armenians were responsible for the Genocide. He wants us to forget Western Armenia. He wants to create a new kind of citizen who has no memory and no Armenian identity. He calls his policy Real Armenia. I call it Kneel Armenia. These acts disqualify him as prime minister. He has no moral compass.

Has anyone watched Nikol being interviewed by the odar media? His English is rudimentary and embarrassing. Watch Aliyev’s command of English. Nikol loses his temper during interviews and shrieks, but only sound that comes up his unmanly falsetto. He also shrieks in Parliament.

NP: The Vehapar precipitated the resignation of Archbishop Norvan Zakarian, the long-time and popular primate of France. He also supported the convicted criminal Father Vatche’ Hayrabedian of Nice. By the way, he is part owner of a Yerevan minibus company. Isn’t there something in the Bible about not serving “mammon”?

KII: This man is negotiating with Aliyev…the dictator who recently referred to Armenians as “hated enemy” and Armenian forces “marauders and thieves who engage in unprecedented barbarity.”

A few days after the start of the Artsakh War, this Prime Minister was told the war was unwinnable. Yet, he didn’t accept the Lavrov Plan which would have kept part of Artsakh Armenian. He gave the landmine maps to Aliyev. Now, Azerbaijan occupies parts of eastern Armenia, doesn’t recognize the fixed boundaries and is demanding the Corridor.

MC: There you have it. This has been an educational evening whether you are pro-Pashinyan or pro-Karekin II. Good night.