The Donroe Doctrine Explained by the Blimp

By Jirair Tutunjian

Don Trump@MEGA.con

Hello, hello…good evening to the Super Incredible Fans of the Great MAGA family. It’s a tremendous, beautiful, and smashing superevening. Although it’s 3:35 ayam, I am fully awake and roaring for action. I don’t need more than two hours of sleep a night. I am super-powerful…like a bull. Every pound of my 300 lbs. is hard muscle. Ask Melania, hah. Tonight I will not talk about the corrupt Ayatollahs, the assorted towel heads, and Governor Carney of Canada. Instead, I will talk about something personal.

You might have heard that our enemies have tagged my foreign policy the Donroe Doctrine, a reference to the Monroe Doctrine of 1823. I am extremely unhappy about the comparison. I am insulted. Compared to me, President Monroe was a big-time loser, a pipsqueak, milquetoast…and worse. By the way, milquetoast means an ineffectual girlie man compared to me…the leading macho man of the century. More macho than Rambo, Tarzan, and James Bond put together.

Inter alia…it means “by the way.” So, inter alia, to be compared to a fuddy-duddy U.S. president is demeaning to me because, as you know, I am the greatest president ever.

Lemme explain what I mean.

Compared to that 30-word wishy-washy declaration, my version warns the whole wide world to think twice before sticking its nose into our Americas.

Compare the above with my doctrine: “From Nome, Alaska to Tierra del Fuego (Chile-Argentine), we will not allow non-American countries to set root on our hemisphere. We will knock the crap out of these carpetbaggers who want to steal our natural resources, poison our water, our blood, our Western Hemisphere.”

One more thing: Although the U.S. occupied less than 30 percent of the North American land mass when Monroe was president, Monroe made no effort to conquer the rest of the continent and assert our divine right to the continent. Do you realize that when Monroe was president, 24 North American regions were still not part of the Great United States…states like Texas, California, Arizona, Michigan, Florida, Wisconsin…joined the U.S. long after Monroe was toast. He also made no effort to move the so-called Natives to the deserts of the Southwest.

Now I will take calls. Hello, hello.

Caller: I would like to ask you something.

Trump: Shoot.

Caller: I understand you wear pampers because you can’t control your urination. I carry a portable gizmo which I call S—t detector. It counts the number of lies one fabricates in one day.

Trump: Shud up. Get lost.

Caller: My gizmo exploded while you were babbling.

Trump: What’s your last name…My people would like to talk to you.

Caller: You say you hate the Donroe Doctrine. I have a better word for your hallucinations: Dumbroe Doctrine.