The Phone Call
A few months ago, old friends Ahmet and Mehmet met briefly in AkEshag, Turkey. Their reunion was cut short when Mehmet’s German girlfriend left for Germany in a huff with docile Mehmet in tow. A few days ago, Mehmet phoned to apologize for his abrupt departure but primarily to discuss his plans.
MEHMET: Finally. After four attempts, I got you on the line.
AHMET: Sorry, it has been a busy day. How are you? Have you reconciled with your girlfriend Hildegard?
MEHMET: We split up. She kept insulting me, Turks, and Islam. It was a ploy: knowing Turkish men have a tradition of beating their wives and daughters, she wanted to provoke me to hit her so I would be deported to Turkey.
AHMET: I am sure you will find an accommodating Turkish woman one of these days.
MEHMET: That’s one of the reasons I phoned you. I want to return to Turkey… to get married. I want you to find me a bride.
AHMET: There are more than 3 million Turks in Germany. Can’t you find a girl among them?
MEHMET: I don’t like it here. You know they have something called Pay-to-Pee toilets. You have to pay as much a 1 Euro to pee. The toilets are managed by lard-filled viragos called Klofrauen. They are right out of a Nazi Stalag.
AHMET: Are you telling me you want to return in Turkey because you don’t like Germany’s Pay-to-Pee?
MEHMET: As a Turk, I have to do better work than a German. To be hired for the same job, I have to be much better than a German.
AHMET: That’s true everywhere. Conditions are terrible here…
MEHMET: Stop. You know all communications are monitored.
AHMET: I don’t care. I’m talking facts. Inflation is 32.5 percent and unemployment 8.5 percent. Despite the economic freefall, our President-for-Life increased his salary by 39 percent. His income from all sources is $50 million a year…and he has amassed $500 million. He earns more than any other political leader.
MEHMET: You have become reckless. I hope I don’t have to visit you in jail when I come back.
AHMET: I might not be here when you return.
MEHMET: Where are you going?
AHMET: Mmmmm. I am moving to Yerevan, Ermenistan.
MEHMET: Have you gone mad? Don’t you know how much they hate us?
AHMET: That was before loony Nicola Pash…something yan took over.
He has succumbed to our power and kisses the toes of Erdogan and Aliyev at every opportunity. Most Armenia’s consumer goods are now imported from Turkiye. I am going to open an import-export company.
MEHMET: But you know nothing about the import-export business.
AHMET: That’s no problem. No one in Ermenistan knows anything about business either. You know they sold their famous Ararat brandy to the French Pernod Ricard company.
MEHMET: Where will you get the money to start the business?
AHMET: There’s a secret Erdogan-Aliyev scheme whereby Turkbeijanis receive funds to start business in Ermenistan. It’s, of course, intended to take over Ermenistan’s economy as the first step in taking over the country.
MEHMET: I’d like to be your partner. I have no money, but I can tell everyone in Ermenistan that my grandmother was an Armenian orphan.
AHMET: Armenians love to hear those stories.
MEHMET: What will you call the company?
MEHMET: ToolKIT.
MEHMET: Why?
AHMET: KIT is to hail Kemal, Inonu, and Tala’at. Those three great Turkish liberators failed to take Eastern Ermenistan because of trickery by the Christian West. Now, with idiot Nicola in charge, we will take Ermenistan through business, without wasting a bullet.
MEHMET: It’s funny. Ermeniler always had a reputation for being deft businessmen…
AHMET: These are a different breed of Armenian. Let’s finish what we started in Manazgerd.
