Turkic Dictators Spill Their Bile

By Jirair Tutunjian

Telephone Operator: We have inserted a new app in your telephones. It will scramble your words so no third party will be able to follow your conversation.

Erdogan: What is this talk about apartments? Is it about rebuilding apartments destroyed by the Hatay earthquake?

Aliyev: Old Man, app is short for application. You should go out sometimes.

Erdogan: Ilham, I am glad you began on an unpleasant note. It will save time considering your recent rash and anti-Muslim diktats.

Aliyev: That’s the Turkish attitude we resent. Azerbaijan is a sovereign state. We don’t take orders from anyone.

Erdogan: That’s the sound and slush of oil and gas bubbling. I remember… you were once a backwater which the Soviets regarded as no more than a gas pump.

Aliyev: Our progress is attributed to the leadership of my family and to our natural resources, just as Turkey’s economy depends to a great extent on tourism and the export of produce. Your tourist attractions are of Greek, Byzantium, Ermeni, and Roman origins. There would have been no “Turkish” music, literature, theater, and cuisine without Ermeni and Younan pioneers. Most of the produce (apricot, figs, lemon, nuts, etc.) exported by Turkey were introduced by Ermeniler. The Hagia Sophia was built by Byzantium and hundreds of palaces, forts, public baths, gardens, mosques, and bridges were built by Ermeniler.

Erdogan: Are you going to continue your rant and digressions or are we going to address the impasse between us?

Aliyev: Good idea. First, we are tired of hearing that we owe you our victory over gavoor Ermeniler.

Erdogan: Without us you would have lost the war and Karabakh would still be occupied by gavoor Ermeniler. We provided the military leadership, intelligence, drones, and the extremist ISIS to beat Ermeniler.

Aliyev: We won the war single-handed. We won because of the skill and courage of our soldiers.

Erdogan: What about the weapons you received from the godless Zionists?

Aliyev: It’s only the enemies of Azerbaijan—such as Ermeniler—who make such ridiculous assertions.

Erdogan: Calling you ‘ingrate’ would be mild assertion.

Aliyev: Let’s drop yesterday’s story and talk about today’s. Why are you criticizing our decision to ban head scarfs in schools?

Erdogan: As devout Muslims we regard it our duty to point out your folly. We see you suppress our mutual religion and go to bed with international gavoors.

Aliyev: Are you raving? There is no entity called international gavoors.

Erdogan: What do you call the Vatican? To polish your image, you paid millions to the Vatican and to its corrupt cardinals. Why would a 95 percent Muslim-population country sleep with the entity that heads global Christianity?

Aliyev: After all these years, you still don’t know the value of positive PR.

Erdogan: Yes, such good PR as sleeping with the genocidal Zionists who have slain at least 75,000 Muslim Gazans and now are pushing our brother Muslims from their homeland and are planning to destroy Haram el Sharif and the Al-Aqsa mosque in holy Jerusalem.

Aliyev: Should I bring to your attention that your son…is sending our petrol to Israel so that IDF planes can bomb Muslim Gazans?

Erdogan: That sentence is incomplete. You didn’t mention the petrol originated in Aliyevistan.

Aliyev: War makes strange bedfellows. And another thing: while we have stated Armenia is Western Azerbaijan, you are opening your border to them and your airlines are flying to Yerevan.

Erdogan: Look into the mirror: you not only help the enemies of Islam but you also ally with the Zionist state which arms Kurds to split my country.

Aliyev: This conversation has taken too much of my time. I acknowledge that Ankara extended some support initially. However, that trivial aid does not entitle you to lording over us. We are pure Turks while you are soup made of Greek, Ermeni, Georgian, Arab, Kurd, and Albanian DNA. As pure Turks, we take orders from no one.

Erdogan: Your incompetence embarrasses all Muslims…the world has noted your Laundromat games and the bribes you’ve handed to ex-German intelligence heads.

In the next war between you and Armenia, our soldiers encamped on Agri Dagh will sit along the mountain’s slopes and watch Armenians give you a bloody nose. Your big, pregnant nose.