Semiotics Guru Baby Aliyev Demands
By Jirair Tutunjian
It’s past midnight but Junior Aliyev (JA) is busy polishing his latest opus. He asks Mehriban Aliyeva, the First Lady and Vice President of Gaserbaijan (FLG) to see what he has been sweating over since his eight-course dinner. She is busy counting with dread the new lines around her eyes.
FLG: Let’s hear it.
JA: As you know, Little Nicky in Western Azerbaijan has conceded everything I and Brother Erdogan have ordered. He is like a lap dog who is always eager to please his master. Although his compatriots are demanding the release of the terrorists who occupied Nagorno-Karabakh, Little Nicky hasn’t even mentioned them. However, I have another demand from our Little Nicky.
FLG: What is it this time?
JA: My next suggestion (ehm) to Little Nicky is to scrap West Azerbaijan’s coat of arms.
FLG: What’s wrong with their coat of arms?
JA: Never forget symbols unite, inspire, and are a call to battle. My latest demand of Little Nicky is to rip their coat of arms.
FLG: What’s wrong with it?
JA: Everything. Lets’ start with the screeching eagles and the roaring lions which loiter inNicky’s coat of arms. As everyone knows, the lion and the eagle are violent animals. Through their coat-of-arms Armenians are signaling to us that they will attack us soon as they can. As a matter of fact, the raging lions and eagles appear twice. There’s even a two-headed eagle: I guess one to attack our Big Brother in Ankara and the other to invade us.
FLG. You are so smart, Ilham jan. If you fixed your nose…you’d be more handsome than Burt Reynolds and Clark Gable.
JA: I know, dear. One of these days I will make an appointment with your cosmetic surgeon. The proboscis has to shrink. Now back to business: at the center of the coat of arms there is the Arghi Dagh (Mount Ararat). The mountain, as you know, is in Turkey. It’s obvious the coat of arms is sending a message that the gavoors are planning to invade Nagorno-Karabakh, Nakhichevan and the so-called Western Armenia. This is no secret. Their fascist elements openly talk about revanchism and irredentism.
FLG: Are you sure pipsqueak Nick would agree to ripping their coat of arms.
JA: It’s embarrassing how he says “Yes” before I have not even finished the sentence. The Americans have a funny exchange: The boss says “Jump” and his deputy says: “How high?” That’s our Nicky.
FLG: And they twice elected this poor excuse for a man.
JA: That’s not all. A perpendicular sword flashes in the center of the coat of arms. The razor-sharp sword doesn’t require parsing.
FLG: What about the bunch of grapes? What mischief do they stand for?
BA: Isn’t it obvious? Being gavoors they like wine.
FLG: What about the ears of wheat?
BA: Umm. I don’t know. I have to check Umberto Eco’s Dictionary of Semiotics. By the way, they also have a crucifix wrapped around their Colombia-imitation flag. Or is it Venezuela?
FLG: But Ilham jan, if Nicky removes everything you object to, they will not have a coat of arms.
BA: Exactly.
FLG: What will you do after they drop their coat of arms?
BA: I am glad you asked. I will then demand that they discard their national anthem, flatten their so-called Genocide Museum…burn their so-called genocide documents. They should destroy the statues of their mythical heroes, update their history textbooks, make Turkish the official language, disarm their puny army…and change so-called Armenia to Western Azerbaijan.
FLG: Next year’s parliamentary elections should be interesting.
BA: You can say that again.
FLG: Next year’s parliamentary elections should be interesting.
BA: Oh, Mehriban… you can be really thick sometimes.
The sound of flying plates rings in the vast Aliyev bedroom.
