Pashinyan Plots
By Jirair Tutunjian
It’s late at night and Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan and President Vahagn Khachaturyan are holding a meeting.
VK: Isn’t Anna joining us?
NP: (Looks at his razor-thin Omega watch): Right now her plane is over the Karakorum Mountains flying east to Beijing to start classes at a university there.
VK: It’s never late to improve one’s mind.
NP: Now, now, Vahagn. You have to think before you talk.
VK: The local yellow press is saying Anna has no right to the title of First Lady of Armenia because she is not married to you. The “First Lady” title is an American fabrication and has no place outside the US.
NP: The caravan proceeds and the dogs continue to bark. But enough of this pointless talk. I called you to discuss the renovation of the so-called Genocide Monument-Museum. What a silly name: how can a delicate little bird own a fortress? What connection do dzidzernags have with the controversial events of 1915?
VK: It’s what the English call “poetic license.” I hear the place needs repairs.
NP: It’s embarrassing: dragging every foreign dignitary through those gory photos. I will spend 743,034,000 drams for the renovations. I’m sure ignorant Diasporans will be impressed by the nine figures unaware that it’s less than $2 million.
VK: You are one clever fox.
NP: Talking about being smart…I recently removed Ararat from our coat-of-arms because our neighbors objected to it. I’ll put Arakadz instead.
VK: Pure genius.
NP: There’s more. I know our neighbors are not happy with the lion and eagle on our coat of arms. They say they are symbols of aggression. I will remove the lion and the eagle and put instead our majestic Gumper and a dzidzernag.
VK: That’s not a good idea: a dog in our coat-of-arms? Besides, Muslim states would be repelled by it. They consider the animal filthy.
NP: Muslims? They’d probably tell us to remove the grapes from the coat of arms because haram drinks are made with grapes.
VK: It’s a good argument, but it will not gain Armenia Muslim friends.
NP: Who cares? After 78 years, fifty-two Muslim loser states have failed to agree on a strategy to defeat Israel.
VK: What else do you have up your sleeve?
NP: I’m considering to charge Diaspora Armenians $250 for admission into Armenia…Since they would be heading to Echmiadzin, I might bar Diaspora clergy from coming to Armenia. We will set up an office to monitor everything printed or broadcast-telecast by the Diaspora media. Offending journalists will not be allowed to enter Armenia.
VK: These are earth moving plans. They would impact negatively next year’s elections.
NP: You again underestimate me: these changes will take place after the elections.
VK: People wonder out loud about your son living in Israel…Some say your wife is a Zionist Jew and has relatives in Israel.
NP: Typical racist silly talk. Are we going to talk about Anna once again?
VK: No. Why did Nethanyahu recognize the Armenian Genocide?
NP: Ask him. Anyway, it was a pointless declaration. More than 35 countries have recognized the events of 1915 as genocide…but what gains have Armenians made because of the recognition? Those who have recognized the genocide have done so to endear themselves to Armenian voters. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that.
VK: A few weeks ago, Trump said he had avoided war in six conflicts, including between us and Azerbaijan. But Mark Hertling, former Ground Commanding General of US Army Europe, says none of the conflicts have been resolved.
NP: Idle talk.
VK: Sorry to bring up Anna again….umm…people are still talking about her stay at the most luxurious Mediterranean hotel….The Titanic Mardon Palace Hotel where she splurged 100,000 Euros in three days. She had champagne bath, personal yoga trainer, and a rented yacht. To make matters worse, the hotel was built by Azeri billionaire Telman Ismailov.
NP: They say “Perception is reality.” The hotel story is total, complete, utter and absolute lie. Let’s move on. I don’t think there are such hotels in Beijing. No more Anna scandals for two years.
VK: One more thing. You know Armenians love Charles Dickens novels and are familiar with characters such as Uriah Heep, the sniveling hypocrite. On the Internet some people are calling you Uriah Heep.
NP: Who reads books now? I see your eye lids are getting heavy. Let’s say: “Good night.”
