Pollyanna Pashinyan
By Jirair Tutunjian
A source close to Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan’s inner cabinet lent to us a copy of the speech Mr. Pashinyan will deliver to the nation next week.
“Now that Azerbaijan has returned Artsakh to its native Armenians, Azerbaijani soldiers have withdrawn from Armenian territory they had illegally occupied in recent years, and my friend Ilham has renounced aggression against Armenia, I am happy to report to you that I plan to reduce our defense spending from 665 billion drams a year to 563 billion drams. In dollars that’s down to $1.47 billion. We will also reduce compulsory military service from two years to 18 months.
“I know backstabbers, Tashnaks, nationalists, Diaspora agitators, revanchists, and fascists will be quick to point out that while we are reducing our budget, Azerbaijan is increasing its military budget to $5 billion. The explanation for the apparent contradiction—I think—is calle
“Before criticizing me for reducing the military budget while Azerbaijanis increasing its budget, consider this cogent fact: With a population more than three times that of Armenia’s, it’s only fair that neighbor Baku would have a larger defense budget and a larger military than Armenia.
“Also consider the dilemma Mr. Aliyev finds himself in: Thanks to profligate Mother Nature’s gas emissions, Mr. Aliyev has few avenues where he can spend all that lucre. How many mansions can you buy in Paris, London, Rome, the Riviera, Washington, Istanbul, Antalya, and Las Vegas? How many fleets of Mercedes, BMW, and Testarossa can you buy?
“As you know, Turkey has always feared that we would someday demand Ararat, Kars, Ardahan, and all of historic Armenia. We believe the reduction of our defense budget will send a message to President Recep Erdogan that we pose no threat to Turkey and that all we want isto be good neighbors. Since historic Armenia is populated by Kurds, Erdogan will gladly hand the land to pacific Armenia.
“Another major benefit re our decision: the reduction of the obligatory months of military service will release thousands of young men to pursue their careers, pay taxes, and boost our economy.
“Armenia’s army is the least important tool for ensuring the country’s security. Its existence is a challenge to our neighbors’ security strategy. Let’s reduce the size of Armenia’s army…already one senior Azeri officer has called for ‘restrictions’ to be placed on Armenian armed forces. Let’s do it voluntarily before we are forced to do.
”These radical (radical doesn’t mean bad or socialist. It means root-related) changes I will enact will create the New Armenian: proudly defenseless…a country which will continue to offer the world great men and women (boxers, chess players, wrestlers, skaters, and duduk players).
“Let’s forget the so-called Dikran the Great, the Drtad I who killed a bull in Rome, the so-called ‘Kachn’ Vartan who caused the death of 60,000 Armenian soldiers; the fighters during the First World War who failed to protect our people. Let’s forget the Diaspora which acts as fifth columnist for our domestic Quislings.
“Finally, the name of our country. When you look up ‘Armenia’ in reference books, you will see that next to Armenia is a litany of our misfortunes: Armenia the defeated, the conquered, the persecuted. I now say to you: ‘I am mad and will no longer take it.’ Thus, I launch a competition called ‘Name My Country.’ The name ‘Armenia’ has been bad for us. Let’s pick a lucky name.’ The winner of the completion will receive three-year scholarship at the Bogazci University of Istanbul.”
