Hillbilly in Armenia

By Jirair Tutunjian

 

To underline the fact that the United States had pushed Russia out of South Caucasus, Vice President J.D. Vance was sent earlier this month to Armenia and to the neighboring Azerbaijan dictatorship. But the carefully drafted itinerary went askew, embarrassing President Orange Balloon who telephoned his erratic vice president.

 

Donald J. Trump: Hey, Veeep, How goes it?

J.D. Vance: Nicely, nicely, Mr. President.

Trump: Spare me that line from Guys and Dolls. It was long in the teeth sixty years ago. Listen to me. I have been following your clumsy tracks.

J.D. Vance: My apologies, Mr. President. Now everything is proceeding smoothly.

Tramp: You are, of course, referring to the Armenian Genocide museum debacle—Dissnargerd or some other unpronounceable typically ethnic word.

J.D. Vance: Please let me explain….

Trump: No, no…you have explained enough. Before you took off, everything had been agreed by us and the Armenians Embassy here. Your job was to sign the documents and shove off to Ayzertan for further secretarial duties. A nice weeklong vacation. So, what happened?

J.D. Vance: After we signed the documents, my wife and I were invited to a restaurant. Exclusive restaurant which served a local brandy named …umm  A Rat or something. We were told that old fart Sir Winston Churchill liked the stuff. Anyway, because the Rat brandy was good, I tippled a couple. After the meal we were invited to see some of the Yerevan sights. They took us to a museum which had millions of                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         gory pictures. Our guide said they were victims of a genocide which took place long ago…even before you were born. I forgot the date. I didn’t pay much attention. In that part of the world ethnic massacres and genocides are dime a dozen.

Trump: So, you are telling me the Armenians drugged you with this Rat stuff. You are the Vice President of the greatest country ever. I know you are maneuvering to succeed me. And yet you fell for the oldest trick. You obviously know little history. Sleepy Joe recognized the Armenian Genocide. We don’t mention it nowadays because I don’t want to irritate my dear close, personal friend Receipt Erdogan. You know I have properties in Istanbul.

Let’s talk about yet another headache: slimy Nicky Bashtinyan…I call him Tiny Mount Baldy…he looks like a field mouse and sounds like a funeral director but he is wily. What did you think of him? To ingratiate himself to me, he was among the first to sign the Gaza Board of Peace which I founded. Of course, he paid the $1 billion membership fee from the money we gave him during your trip. He reminds me of oily Uriah Heep. Have you read Dickens?

J.D. Vance: Who is he?

Trump: Forget it.

J.D. Vance: What did Erdogan and Aliyev write to you about my visit to the genocide museum?

Trump: They were predictable. They spouted dubious versions of history. Stolid, self-important Aliyev makes me laugh. As a Canadian journalist said: ‘His nose is seven months pregnant.” Although Armenians have not accused him of participating in the First World War genocide…there was no Azeteryan then…Aliyev fulminates, threatens. He is noisier than Erdogan. The oil has given him a big mouth.

J.D. Vance: Is the matter closed? Should I do further kowtowing to the Turkish Twins? By the way, now that Erdogan has changed the name of his country to Turkiye, should we call Turks Turkiyeish?

Trump: No time for jokes. I am working 20 hours a day. I want you here rather than gallivant to the fleshpots of Istanbul.

J.D. Vance: Excuse me, Mr. President: I am married and am religious. I would never hire the services of fallen women.

Trump: Yea, I read about it in your Appalachian Hillbilly book. Now before you go… We have to do the Loyalty Test once again. If you fail, your days as Vee Pee will be numbered…he, he… a pun there…

Here is question one: Who is the greatest U.S. President?

J.D. Vance: You, of course, by a country mile.

Trump: Who is the Lord of the Universe?

J.D.Vance: You are.

Trump: Who is the most beautiful First Lady?

J.D.Vance: Melania by a country mile.

Trump: Who is the worst leader of a country?

J.D.Vance: Sultan Khomeini by a country mile.

Trump: Once again: who is the worst leader of a country? I’ll give you a hint…it produces lots of hockey players.

J.D. Vance: Mark Carney, the prime minister of Toronto.