Three Wise Men Huddle
By Jirair Tutunjian
Armenian Prime Minister has asked the interchangeable Turkic dictators—Recep Erdogan and Ilham Aliyev–to an emergency meeting to takeplace in the Turkish Presidential Palace in Ankara.
Erdogan: Baron Pashinyan—I learned some Armenian words when long ago I worked for a Greek shopkeeper in Istanbul. Why the urgency? What’s on your mind?
Pashinyan: First of all I want to express my whole-hearted and genuine ‘thank you’ to both of you for your endorsement of my candidacy in the upcoming elections in Armenia.
Thank you, thank you. Despite your good intentions, my enemies in Yerevan have twisted your endorsements and say the fact that you support me disqualifies me as a candidate. My fascist, Tashnag, and revanchist enemies have begun calling me “Turkey lover…genocide denier…servant of the Turk.”
Aliyev: So, what do you want us to do?
Erdogan: Ilham, you are being redundant. It’s simple: We have to revise our strategy and call our little friend some nasty Arab words. Arab curses are very inventive. For example: “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.”
Aliyev: I have one, too: “A bald woman boasts about the curly hair of her niece.”
Erdogan: What does have to do with our discussion?
Aliyev: What do fleas have to do with our discussion?
Pashinyan I can’t believe this attempt at banter. I have an Armenian curse but will not tell you. It’s complicated. You wouldn’t understand.
Erdogan: If we begin to criticize brother Nikol, Armenian voters will smell a rat. I heard that expression when I was in the United States a few weeks ago.
Aliyev: How about this? I send a dozen soldiers near Zankezur pretending we will attack. Nikol here leads a bunch Armenian soldiers to chase my soldiers away. Per my instructions, my soldiers will quickly withdraw leaving some machine guns behind. Nikol will be the hero. He will win the election.
Erdogan: To be convincing, a couple of your soldiers should be killed. The head of your gang will know what to do. You can always give $100,000 to the dead soldiers’ wives or mothers.
What do you think, Nikol?
Pashinyan: Why would I be down there at election time?
Erdogan: To gain votes.
Pashinyan: The area is desolate. There aren’t too many votes. Besides, the people there hate me.
Erdogan: Nikola, Nikola, don’t be such a depressive wet blanket. I don’t understand how you managed to head Armenia. Ilham here is willing to sacrifice his soldiers and spend thousands of dollars to help you get elected. But here you are pouring cold water over our practical plan.
Pashinyan: I have never carried a gun. How will I convince my men thatI know what I am doing?
Aliyev: No wonder you’ve lost all your battles and wars. You are negative. You have no self-confidence. This is what happens when you marry a woman who has a big mouth and wears the pants in the family. Facelift once a year would keep her happy and docile. That’s what I do to control my wife. Nicole, you have to project masculinity.
Pashinyan: I kindly ask you not to get personal. By the way, I am amazed by your Neanderthal misogyny. Weren’t you a professor at a Moscow university?
Erdogan: We are wasting time. Nikol, you can stay here extra two days. One of the sergeants will teach you how to handle a gun. The Russian Kalashnikov is the best.
Aliyev: Brother Reccep, you are mistaken. The best guns are the Uzis: light and deadly.
Erdogan: So now you are doing commercials for the Jews.
Aliyev: Sorry, Nikol…we couldn’t have won the war without the Israeli weapons.
Pashinyan: Dear Ilham, you say that as if you are revealing a big secret to me.
Erdogan: Ilham, listen to me. To guarantee that Nikol gets maximum benefit from the so-called fire-fight in Zangezur, you should exaggerate your casualties.
Nikol, in return for our help, we expect you to continue your subtle anti-Armenian project. But first, you have to topple your chief Sheikh. His position as a pillar of the far-right Armenians should be shattered. Our military intelligence has lots of dirt on him.
Pashinyan: Thank you. One thing I am not short of is scandalous gossip about K II.
Ilham: Isn’t that the tall mountain in the Himalayas?
Erdogan: Good night, Ilham.
