Mr. Orange is Rotting At a Fast Clip
By Jirair Tutunjian
After ordering Canada to raise its 72-cents dollar to full equivalency with the U.S. dollar, the perspiring Orangeman heaved his 300-pound bulk and addressing the ceiling of the Oval Office said: “Governor Carney, you have seen nothin’ yet.” He then proceeded listing his other suicidal measures against United States’ mild-mannered northern neighbor.
The Blue Jays will be kicked out of our baseball league.
Toronto Maple Leafs, the Montreal Canadiens, the Edmonton Oilers, and the “other Canadian hockey teams [he couldn’t remember their names] will be kicked out of the National Hockey League.
American TV and radio stations will be banned from telecasting/broadcasting to north of the 49th Parallel. [This would be welcomed by Canadians who, for years, have complained about the blatant falsehoods, predictable lies, and the asinine programs the American electronic media has dumped on Canada.]
Canadians will be deprived of exciting U.S tabloid publications such as the National Enquirer.
The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Washington Times will
NOT be posted to Canada because Canucks like these far-left publications. I know I play dirty. Well, as the Frenchies say: “Ce la vye.”
MacDonald’s, Starbucks, Burger King and the other American fast-food chains will be ordered to shutter their businesses in Canada and return to good Old U. S of A.
Hollywood will be a) banned from shooting movies in Canada and 2) No American movies will be screened in Canada.
U.S. Internet companies will halt their operations in the “Country of the Sniveling Leeches.”
Canadian maple syrup and hockey sticks will be banned from entering the You Ess of A.
Millions of American Boy and Girl Scouts will be hired to man the border and stop Monarch butterflies from entering the U.S. air space. The Boy and Girl Scouts will be provided with nets and be paid $10 for each ten kill.
All U.S produce—from garlic to onions, from lettuce to strawberries—will be banned from being exported to the colonial governorate of Canada. Let’s see how their illegal Muslimanic immigrants will make tabully.
Millions of windmills will be placed along the border of the Canadian principality to halt Canadian rain, hail, and snow from approaching our borders. Sort of like the Iron Dome we gave to the Israelis.
Canadians will not be allowed to vacation in the United States. This might hurt some U.S. businesses but America’s honor and prestige are far more important than the pleasures of Vegas strip tease shows.
To manage the above diktats, a new federal body will be created boasting a staff of 10 million. This will spectacularly reduce unemployment and pave the wave for my third term as the strongest man in the world. It will make me the most-popular president ever…more popular than the bewigged Georgie who was an immigrant from Limeland…sorry, I meant Britain. I will also be more popular than the skeletal Abe Lincoln whose salacious sexuality has become a hot topic in Washington salons.
If Mr. Circus Carney of the Canadian governorate ignores these new realities, a group of SEALs, led by veteran Pete Hesketh, will cross the border (on a tightrope at midnight over the Niagara Falls) and destroy the peach and nectarine crops of the Niagara penny sula.
The above measures are preliminary. As soon as I catch my breath, I will draft further fifteen measures which will force Canadians to slink on their knees across the border and beg me to make their principality our fifty-first state.
