A Little Humor Confederation of Dunses
Confederation of Dunses
By Jirair Tutunjian
Location: Heydar Aliyev Hall, University of Baku, Supr
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Prof. Dangalakh Bulbuloglu: Hosh geldik. I would like to remind you that you’ve been selected for this enviable course to spread the word on the Internet about the genius of Father Ill Ham Aliyev and to denigrate Ermenistan. After you graduate, you’re to initiate or reply to at least forty Internet comments per day. Remember facts should never hamstring the interests of Father Ill Ham whose glory shines more brightly than the fires of our Gunashli oil field. What we are doing is an art. We are artists who refashion truth. Facts are a nuisance and anyone can make 1+1=3. Look at Donald Trump.
Students: Applause.
PDB: Kopek, tell us in under 100 words the history of democratic Azerbaijan.
KOPEK: Azerbaijan was founded five-thousand years ago when Azeri Noah’s Ark landed on our sacred mountain Agri Daghi. While most Azeris settled around the mountain, others spread to the four corners of the world. Thus, Azeris are the fathers of humanity. They also spread the Turkish language. In other words, Turkish is the mother of all the languages. There would be no Socrates, Virgil, Shakespeare, Goethe, Proust, Hemingway and Ian Fleming were it not for our brethren Turks. And another thing: while people believe we originate in Central Asia, the fact is the uppermost Troy prince was General Turko. After the fall of Troy, he traveled to Central Asia and re-established our nation south of Lake Baikal. During his absence, the Romans settled Ermeni slaves from Albania into Anatolia.
PDB: Efferim Kopek. You have been reading Glorious Ill Ham’s books. Yoy Khersiz, I have a question for you: What do you know about the damned Ermeniler?
KHERSIZ: According to celebrated historian Abu Fadi Matuhaha of the University of Northern Merv, Armenians lived in Albania. Some incompetent scholar misspelled Albanian and came up with Armenian.
PDB: What about Armenian kings, Aptal?
APTAL: There were no Armenian kings. Armenia was ruled by Persians.
PDB: Good answer, but whatever you say inject positive adjectives about our brilliant homeland. Ermeniler boast they are the first Christian nation. What’s the truth, Domuz?
DOMUZ: The first Christian people were the Jews. Issa’s disciples and apostles were Jews. Issa was a Jew. Most Armenians are covertly godless pagans who worship Baal and his son Wahagn. They call themselves Sons of the Sun. Their biggest holiday is Darnydess when they worship a burning tree. Years ago, Istanbul journalists
PDB: Excellent. Top of class, Domuz. Here are two more useful facts when you comment on the internet. You’ve heard the oldest wine and the oldest shoes were found in Ermenistan. The facts are different: Anastas Mikoyan, premier of the godless Soviets, sent several commissars to Baku who removed the ancient bottle and shoes from our museum and placed them in the so-called E
DANKSZ: Prof. Bulbuloglu, Ermeniler always talk about their so-called genocide when supposedly 1.5 million Ermeniler were killed. Many Western countries recognize the lie. How do we silence Ermeniler?
PDB: Good question, Danksz. A mere 400,
Learning these facts is fine but they’re insufficient to combat gavoor Ermenilar. When you see a pro-Ermeni comment, you should let everyone working in the office know about so that they may add further negative comments and neutralize Ermeni propaganda. Likewise, when you see a pro-Azerbaijani and anti-Ermeni comment share it with your colleagues so that they may type “like.” We have the numbers: let’s drown Ermeni commenters with the truth.
Before we end class, let’s hear our slogan. All together now:
PDB and the students: “For the glory of the Aliyev dynasty
For the glory of Western Azerbaijan
