A Little Humor Ilham Convenes Emergency Meeting

By Jirair Tutunjian

Azerbaijani President Ill Ham Aliev recently held an emergency meeting with his inner cabinet including
his wife Mehriban Alieva (MA), Minister of Interior Vilayet Eyvazov (VE), Foreign Minister Jeyhun
Bayramov (JB), and Defense Minister Col. Gen. Zakir Hasenov (ZH).
IA: Khosh geldin. I called this emergency meeting because Ministers Eyvazov and Bayramov have raised
some urgent concerns.
VE: First, I would like to welcome Madame Alieva, Birinci Xanim [First Lady of Azerbaijan], head of
Haydar Aliyev Foundation, chairwoman of the Azerbaijani Culture Friends Foundation, and president of
Azerbaijan Gymnastic Federation.
MA: You forgot to mention I am also the editor of Azerbaijan’s leading beauty and lifestyle magazine.
VE My humble, sincere, and deep apologies, Birinci Xanim. I also forgot to mention that you look
younger every year. No wonder American dignitaries couldn’t distinguish you from your daughters. I
know there are Armenia-originated rumors that you’ve had a dozen cosmetic surgeries. I think you look
half your age because of clean living.
JB: I hear a lot from the West…they complain that the President is a dictator and elections are fixed.
Leading the rat pack are Human Rights Watch and the International Committee of the Red Cross. The
BBC has suspended its operations because of alleged censorship moves by our government. We have to
draft a robust response.
ZH: Let’s bomb Armenia. It’s Armenians who feed these lies to Western organizations. Why are we
wasting our time talking about these irrelevant organizations?
MA: Why resort to violence when we are trying to persuade the world that Armenians are always the
aggressors? Let’s blame Lezgi, Talish, and other separatist rats.
JB: As foreign minister, I advise that we bribe these corrupt organizations. Let’s ply them with caviar,
crystal, rugs, and jewelry. Let’s invite their leaders to…umm… familiarization trips. We should wine and
dine them. As an Azerbaijani wise man said: “The fastest route to the heart is through the stomach.”
IA: Enough about people who are jealous of our wealth. Let’s talk about our victories. Armenians are
always playing the genocide card. We neutralized that with our phony Khojalu massacre story. We have to
acknowledge the PR and media support we received from the Israelis and overseas Zionists.
JB: But we still have to stop libelous words that you, our Victorious Supreme Commander-in-Chief, has
won five consecutive elections with 92 percent or more of the votes. Let’s do another Laundromat.
IE. If I were not popular, honorable, and respected, how is it that I have more medals, awards, and
honors from Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania, Russia, Turkiye, Tajikistan, Belarus, Israel, Kazakhstan, the
Association of Caucasus Muslims, Kuwait and others?
VE: No matter how much we splurge on fashion shows, car races, Islamic conferences, and COP29
environmental gatherings, we are still not getting the positive coverage we are entitled to. We are
branded “least free country in the world by Freedom House…that we are number three in incarcerating our
citizens. They claim Armenia imprisons 83 people per 100,000 while we imprison 2,469. There is this
American actor…George Cooloney …who demands we release Nagorno-Karabakh terrorists.
ZH: Let’s assassinate him. I know Turk gangsters in Europe who would do it for $20,000 to $25,000.
VE: Victorious Supreme-Commander-in-Chief and Birinci Xanim, my deepest apologies for what I will
say. Your children should be more careful in exhibiting their God-given wealth. Your beautiful daughter
Leyla doesn’t hide that she is co-owner of a mobile phone company, has mining rights to a precious
metal company, has investments in the British Virgin Island in addition to four companies in Europe. She
also is co-owner, with your other offspring, of a gold mining company and a real estate company. People
talk when they learn about these wise investments. It hurts the image of the Great House of the Aliyevs
and Azerbaijan.
MA: Vilayet, Don’t repeat what you said ever again. We have mentioned only a few of our internal and foreign challenges. We have spent billions to polish our international image. We have hired famed American public relations firms to enhance our image. We have invited so-called journalists and wined and dined them. But despite our huge efforts and investments, we are still struggling to establish a positive international image. I know what we should do.
IA, JB, ZH, VE: Tell us …tell us.
MA: Ask yourself: “What would Erdogan do?” When you ask that question to yourself, you will know the
answer. WHAT WOULD BIG BROTHER ERDOGAN DO?”