A Little Serious Humor Three Spies Summit By Jirair Tutunjian
Recently, three heads of Middle Eastern intelligence agenciesmet secretly in a remote suburb of Trebizond in northern Turkiye. Their heads of government were not aware of the meeting at Villa Seljuklar. The top spies were Ibrahim Kalin, director of Turkish intelligence known as MIT; David Barnea, head of Israel’s Mossad; and Esmaeil K
Barnea: Let me get to the point. We represent three non-Arabstates. Realizing that a united Arab world—remember Egypt’s Nasser—would threaten us, from the early ‘50s to the late ‘70s we worked together to scuttle the United Arab World project.Israel and Turkiye have been friends for nearly 80 years. Turkey recognized Israel in 1949, barely a year after Israel was founded. Mossad agents trained Shah Mohammad Pahlavi’s secret service which kept the Shah in absolute power.
Unfortunately, our secret triumvirate collapsed when the Shah was toppled and an Islamic republic was established in Iran. Meanwhile, Turkey went through several unstable governments until the rise of Erdogan.
While the Arab states are in disarray now, history tells us they will rise again hollering “Wahda,” (Unity.) Although there’s tension among our three governments, I think we can devise a secret plan which will establish our informal alliance and dominate the Middle East.
Esmaeil Khatib: I am all for friendship among our three states. However, it cannot be achieved so long as the army and the public are loyal to the Ayatollahs.
Barnea: Not to worry. When our F-35s and American invisible planes flat
Kalin: I am pro a secret understanding among our three nations.An understanding whose cornerstone would be keeping the Arabs down.
Khatib: I can’t persuade the Ayatollahs to join the triumvirate considering the losses we suffered strategically, militarily, and in prestige due to Israeli government’s action in Palestine, Lebanon, and Syria. We see Israel and Turkiye are carving Syria between yourselves. If we join the triumvirate, we would be the poor relation. What would we win if we joined the triumvirate you are promoting?
Barnea: Now that Turkiye has a large slice of northern Syria, perhaps Erdogan would give part of Kurdistan to Iran.
Kalin: Impossible. What you are proposing is that we give our sacred land to Iran.
Khatib: The concept of attributing holiness to earth and stone is primitive nonsense. Besides, the land you call sacred Turkish land is Armenia. Until the late 19th century it was referred to as Armenia. Then the vicious ignoramus known as Sultan Abdul Hamid II decreed that the Armenian land be named Kurdistan in all maps. I say “ignoramus” because he also banned the H2O chemical symbol of water because he believed it meant Hamid the Second is Dead.
Barnea: Mr. Khatib…
Khatib: Refer to me as “Imam.” I am a clergyman.
Barnea: A clergyman who is a spy.
Khatib: Didn’t Moses send spies to Jericho because he claimed God had promised the land of Canaan to the Hebrews?
Kalin: Let’s not argue about religion. We are modern, sophisticated, and urbane executives. I command 8,000 agents while Barnea is the head of 7,000 Mossad agents.
Barnea: It’s clear Imam Khatib wants more land for Iran although Iran is larger than Turkiye and Israel combined. Earlier we agreed we should keep Arab states down. I propose that it’s not enough: we should remove Arabs from the Middle East. We should push them down…yes ethnic cleansing…to the Arabian Peninsula. Then, Iran can have Kuwait and Iraq. Remember that Arabs are strangers to the Middle East. In the 7th century they moved north and conquered the Middle East.
Kalin: I agree with Barnea’s view.
Khatib: Let me get this straight. Arabs, who moved north in the 7th century, don’t belong in the Middle East while Turkish invaders, who occupied the Middle East in the 12th century, and Khazars, who had converted to Judaism in the Middle Ages, are entitled to Palestine. Gentlemen, thank you for inviting me to this confidential meeting. Have a good day.
Barnea: Sheikh…Imam, don’t forget what we said in this room stays in this room. If you share what we discussed, we will eliminate you in 24 hours.
Kalin: Khatib, I have a present and a threat. If you fail to sell our generous proposal to your Ayatollahs, Turkey, Azerbaijan, and Israel will invade Iran.
Khatib: I am not surprised. The Khazars who call themselves Israeli are ethnic Turks. It’s no wonder Erdogan supplied the IDF with the Azeri fuel the Zionist butchers craved to continue the genocide of Palestinians. Meanwhile your boss, Erdogan, kept threatening Zionists with invasion. Bah. Murderous hypocrites.
