Ancient Ritual Revealed

By Jirair Tutunjian

You may call him liar, cheat, crook, loudmouth, lout, arrogant, ignorant, amoral, bombastic, egotist, racist, misogynist, spoiled, overbearing, cruel, coward, obscene, inane, and stupid Caligula or Nero, but it would be unfair to call the Orange Balloon floating in Casablanca draft dodger. While the 46 and 48 President of the United States is a certified draft dodger, it would be unfair to call him that.

The draft dodger accusation hit the airwaves when the Loudmouth Loutquestioned the bravery of non-American NATO forces in Afghanistan and elsewhere where NATO armies had flexed their muscles to impose Western imperium. Even the much-married, ageing rocker Rod Stewart got into the act and called him “draft dodger.” Yes, the 46, 48 President of the United States is a draft dodger, but why pick on the inflated boyowho emits noxious when pressed by a journalist?

There is an ultra-secret U.S. diktat which says avoiding military serviceis mandatory for presidential candidates, unless they have psychological reason to volunteer to serve their country.

Consider President Richard M. Nixon and those who came after him.

Richard Nixon did not serve in the military

Ronald Reagan did not serve in the military

Bomber pilot George H.W Bush saw little action in WWII

Bill Clinton did not serve in the military

George W. Bush did not serve in the military

Barack Obama did not serve in the military

Joe Biden didn’t serve in the military.

Earlier in the 20th century, five presidents (Woodrow Wilson, Herbert Hoover, Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, and Delano Roosevelt) didn’t serve in the military.

Rod Stewart, etc. should be circumspect when they pick on the OrangeBalloon and call him unpleasant names. The man has the heart of a lion as testified by the way he handles obnoxious journalists in his ornately —decorated Offal Office.

There is a tradition going back to Sumerian-Aztec civilizations which exempts the elite from military service. It explains why so many U.S. presidents have avoided the military while their inferiors have sacrificed their lives for them. The simple-minded patriot would do a double take ifhe learns the chief commander of the army can’t shoot a Derringer if his life depended on it.

According to the above tradition, underground operatives bivouacked in U.S. hospitals check the DNA of every newborn male. They look for theextremely rare DNA (KOW-RD1) in males. Only people bearing that DNA are allowed to become president. These rare DNA bearers are shepherded by wise men–such as the late and much-lamented Dr. No(no relation to the lugubrious Dr. Oz, pusher of ersatz medicines) whose Island paradise was acquired by Stephen Epstein and turned into a sex pit. It is no accident that the islet is in the Virgin Islands.

And who are some of the current wise men who give wings to the Orange Man? They are funereal and slow-witted Scott Bessent of the commerce desk, alcoholic-cantankerous born-again Peter Hegseth(Minister of Imperial Invasions), Howard (“The Most Hated Man on Wall Street”) Lutnick, and Steve (“The Most Hated Man in the United States”) Miller.

Scott (Undertaker) Bessent has not served in the military.

Howard (Hyena) Lutnick has not served in the military.

Steve (Mad Dog) Miller has not served in the military.

Perhaps the Orange Balloon should call his cabinet Cowards Anonymous.