How Nikol Plans to Win the June Election

By Jirair Tutunjian

 

While several polls have shown that he is ahead in popularity as the election gets nearer, Prime Minister Pashinyan wants to win by acclamation. With that in mind, he recently chaired a meeting with public relations man Gumpr Hachoghyan and veteran American publicist Jack Sanctimonian whose grandparents had settled in Fresno before the Genocide.

Nikol: Let’s hear it, Jack. How are you going to persuade people to vote for me?

Jack Sanctimonian: My grandmother used to say: “Dzoor nsdink, shidag khosink.” We will bribe the people, according to demographics. That’s how you will win decisively.

Gumpr Hachoghyan: Translation please.

JS: We will determine the different demographics of the electorate and bribe them according to their wants and needs.

NP: Go on.

JS: To get the youth vote, we will organize free rock concerts from Gyumri to Meghri. In addition to local talent, we will get, through the U.S State Department, American entertainers free of charge.

GH: Often rock concerts get wild. You should make sure everyone behaves. If there’s violence, we might lose votes.

JH: A well-behaved rock concert is an oxymoron, we say in English.

NP: Who is the moron?

GH: No one. It means “contradiction.”

NP: You mentioned Ararat brandy in your brief.

GH: As you know, Pernod Ricard of France owns Ararat brandy. I have been talking with their CEO in Paris to sell us 50,000 Ararat bottles at deep discount.

NP: What are you talking about?

JS: We will give a free 5-year-old Ararat to everyone who votes for you.

NP: What? What? You are going to ruin me. Where would I get that kind of money?

JS: Not to worry. Uncle Sam will take care of the bill.

NP: I like that. I know I am digressing. You know the only brandy manufactured in Cognac can be called “cognac.” Since Pernod Ricard owns Ararat, why don’t we push them to recognize Ararat as cognac? After all, we are buying 50,000 bottles of the stuff.

JS: Good idea, wrong time. Let’s get back to the election. We will give 5-year old Ararat to anyone who votes for you. If a whole family votes for you, each adult will get a 10-year-old Ararat. There’s more. If someone persuades his family and 20 other individuals to vote for you, he or she gets free vacation at the 7-star Ataturk Hotel in Antalya. Courtesy of Turkiye National Tourist Office and the Turkish Airlines. There will be vacations in Jermuck and Lake Seven for people who persuade five people.

GH: It’s Jermuk and Sevan. I think we should reward canvassers, poll takers…people who distribute pamphlets….I think we should offer them free dinner at the best Yerevan restaurants such as Artashi Mot.

NP: I know the restaurant. We can’t work with them because restaurant is on Kocharyan Street. I don’t want to see the name of that Russophile-Tashnag-Artsakh terrorist anywhere.

GH: It means Dolmama and Black Angus restaurants are also no-no because they are on Pushkin and Apovian streets…two notorious Russophiles.

NP: I like the speedy way you grasp an idea. Tavern Yerevan is also a no-no. It’s on Khorenatsi…named after the nationalist-fabulist Movses Khorenatsi.

JS: (To himself: “I can’t believe this conversation. Why did I take this job?”): Let’s talk about the election slogan. It should be brief and have punch, as we say on Madison Avenue.

GH: How about “Peace, Prosperity, Pashinyan”?

NP: I like it, but as a former journalist I have to reject it because it has no verb. We need action in the campaign slogan.

JS: How about: “Put your faith in Pashinyan”?

GH: It has no punch, as Americans say. The campaign slogan should be short. How about “Forget it!!!”

JS: I don’t understand. Forget what?

NP: No wonder Gumpr is my faithful, trusty, and perceptive friend. “Forget It!!!” means put your faith in the Real Armenia, in the Pashinyan Armenia… and forget the mythological Armenia and people like suicidal Kachn Vartan, lunatic Drtad III who behaved like a beast, and mythologist Movses KhoreNAZI. It means forget dreamlands called Cilicia and Western Armenia…you get the idea.  One last thing: Gumper, make sure no troublemaking diaspora Armenian journalist is admitted to Armenia during the election campaign.

Thank you, gentlemen. It has been a good meeting. I am pressed for time: I have to rush to the South to inspect work progress on the Marvelous Trump Superhighway.