Pashinyan’s Ten Commandments To the Armenian Church

By Jirair Tutunjian

It’s almost midnight when Anna Hakobyan visits the man with whom she lived for many years without the benefit of Church sanction.

AH: Barev Nikol. Why did you want to see me so late in the day?

NP: Sit down. Pour yourself brandy. It’s ten-year-old Ararat.

AH: What are you writing?

NP: That’s why I asked you to come over. As I continue to battle Karekin, the so-called Catholicos, I came out with a clever new idea…if I might be so bold as to describe it such. I am opening a new front against him: It’s Ten Commandments that I will order Karekin to obey.

AH: Let me hear it.

NP: First Commandment: Remove the words Broskhume, Hallelujah, and Amen because they are not Armenian.

AH: I love it. It elevates your profile as a patriot. Listen dear, since you asked me over obviously to give my opinion…why not make the so-called Lord’s Prayer unisex? Instead of saying:“Our Father Thou art…” let’s say: “Great Spirit Thou art…”

NP: Fantastic. Here’s the Third Commandment: No more celebrating Vartanants. There’s no point in annoying the Iranians one-thousand-and six-hundred years later. Besides, I think the real hero was Vasag.

The Fourth Commandment: Since most of the saints are male, let’s get rid of them. That and your idea will get me lots of female votes.

The Fifth Commandment is complicated.

AH: Tell me.

NP: You know that the four major rites in the Armenian Church are Badarak, Baptism, Wedding, and Funeral. The last three take place almost on the same grounds. One week you attend a wedding and watch the bride all in white and with a dazzling smile. A few days later, a coffin would stand where the bride stood. It’s macabre. It’s ugly.

AH: So what should the Church do?

NP: A wing, an el should be added to all the churches so that the coffin would be away from where the bride and the groom stand.

AH: I like it. It’s very innovative. You are so clever, Nikol. What’s the Sixth Commandment?

NP: The Sixth is about the veghar. It should be abolished. It looks too much like Mount Ararat. You know how sensitive Turks are. Talking about Turks, I should write Catholicos Aram and advise him to drop his title as the Catholicos of Cilicia. Cilicia is in Turkey and there are no Armenians there.

AH: The Seventh Commandment?

NP: St. Krikor the Illuminator and St. Sahag should no longer be considered saints.

AH: Why?

NP: They were not Armenian. They were Bartev…meaning they were members of the Persian nobility.  Next to go are church bells: Thou shall not ring church bells. I don’t like their sound.They are also intrusive.

AH: The Ninth Commandment?

NP: Sermons should not last longer than ten minutes while Badarak no more than thirty minutes. People are busy these days.

AH: And the Tenth?

NP: This one is to anger Putin. You know the cross that the Catholicos wears on his veghar…it was given by a Russian patriarch to the Catholicos who was ordered to place it on his veghar. It’s Russian imperialism.

AH:: Ah, my Nikol. You are a genius. I would like to see Karekin’s face when he reads your Ten Commandments.