Scrambled Alliances
By Jirair Tutunjian
West Asia strategies and alliances keep changing direction almost as fast as the sands of the Arabian Desert. Below is an account of a recent telephone call between Azerbaijan’s President Ilham pAliyev and President Masoud Pezeshkian of Iran.
Ilham: Shalom aleikum, Mr. President.
Masoud: Aleikum Salam, Mr. Pre
Aliyev: What does ‘Shalom Aleikum’ mean?
Masoud: It’s not “Shalom.” It’s “Salaam,” Arabic for ‘peace unto you.’
Ilham: Before we talk politics, Is it true that your parents were secret Armenians?
Masoud: You must be referring to the “ian” in my name. “Ian” is of Sanskrit origin which is the origin of Iranian and Armenian languages. It has the same meaning as the “ian” in Italian, Canadian, or Norwegian. By the way, I notice that after all these years, you still retain the Russian “ev” suffix in your name. I would have assumed you’d have dispensed with the Russian linguistic baggage and had become just “Ali”. Your first name is also problematic.
Ilham: What’s wrong with it?
Masoud: It contains meat which is haram.
Ilham: We started on the wrong footing. Let’s start again. You remember the glory days when Erdogan declared Turkey and Azerbaijan were one people and two states. It sounded nice. However, for Erdogan it meant: “One people and two states run by Turkey… run by Erdogan. By the way, Erdogan is of Greek origin. His grandfather led a band of rebels against the Sultan. Erdogan is greedy, arrogant, and his ambitions have no limit. He is interfering in our foreign and domestic policies. He has condemned our ban of headgear for school girls. He claims the reason we beat the Armenians was because of his military and intelligence support. His boasts insult me, my army and my people. We are the real Turks. The so-called Turks of Turkey are mostly of Arab, Armenian, Greek, Georgian, Kurdish, and Circassian origin. As I mentioned, Erdo—I like to call him Erdo. It means monkey in Arabic. Erdo is of Greek ancestry.
Masoud: That is interesting. But why are you telling me about the man—to use the American vernacular—who talks with forked tongue.
Ilham: The list of his wrong-headed decisions is long. He is interfering in our way of life. He wants us to stop buying weapons from Israel and instead buy from him.
Masoud: I agree with Erdogan that you shouldn’t buy weapons from that genocidal apartheid regime.
Ilham: That’s what I wanted to talk about. For centuries, Turkey and Iran have fought for dominance in our region. I propose the following: I will arrange a peace confere
Masoud: What do I get for joining your mission?
Ilham: You can have Armenia and Iraq and become one of the two—rather than three—great powers of West Asia. Israel would remove its military bases and intelligence crews from my country.
Masoud: Our friendship with Armenia goes back to 500 B.C. In recent years, they have provided us with passage north to export our goods. By the way, I assume you have spoken to the Israelis about your plan.
Ilham: Not yet. But I am sure they would join us.
