St. Peter Has a Headache

By Jirair Tutunjian

St. Peter is sitting in his office behind the Pearly Gates. He is wiping his blood-shot eyes when St. Paul enters the office.

St. Paul: Greetings, Peter. You look tired.

St. Peter: I am not tired. I am exhausted.

St. Paul: I don’t understand. You have been at this job for more than two-thousand years. It should be a breeze by now.

St. Peter: It’s not the job. It’s the papyrus. You see this million-page tome where I list the sins of everyone since the Crucifixion. It’s called The Sins and Crimes of Humanity. It is made of papyrus. Two weeks ago I registered the names of a criminal gang on the volume’s last page.

St. Paul: So?

St. Peter: I contacted a Coptic clergyman in Upper Egypt and ordered two tons of papyrus for volume two of The Sins and Crimes of Humanity. He said due to pollution today’s papyrus is flimsy and is produced in small quantities mostly for the tourist trade. The best paper I can locate now will pulverize in less than a thousand years.

What makes the situation particularly dire is that I am compiling the official list of Donald J. Trump sins, crimes, and trespasses.

St. Paul: I never understood the difference between sin and trespassing.

St. Peter: Paulie, get serious for a jiffy. I am recording every sin, crime, misdemeanor Trump has committed in his 80 years. Would you like to hear the abridged version of the boyo’strespasses?

St. Paul: Why not? It’s a slow afternoon.

St. Peter: In no particular order: according to The Washington Post, Trump lied 30,573 times in his first term as president. He also was involved in half-a-dozen dubious bankruptcies…He pardoned fraudsters who were his friends…As warmonger, he is responsible for the death of thousands in Gaza, the West Bank, Lebanon, Yemen, Venezuela, Iran…The creation of ICE—his SS…Exiling people who have committed no crime…Sexual immorality…The dozen or so women who have accused him groping, forced kisses…Accepting millions of dollars from wealthy American Zionists to recognize Arab Jerusalem as the capital of Israel…Casual and frequent blaspheming…Covering up the Epstein scandal…Trying to benefit personally from political donations…Threatening to invade Canada, Mexico, Greenland…Threatening to destroy Iran to Kingdom Come…Betraying his NATO allies…Uttering 492 false or misleading statements…False claims about employment stats and the bankrupt economy…Exaggerating the number of jobs his administration created…Harassing newspapers and women who claimed he tried to rape them…Indulging in libel chill to intimidate journalists who were about to reveal his crimes…Verbally attacking the Pope…Overweening arrogance…Paying “silence money” to a porno star he had slept with…Keeping classified documents after his election loss…Engineering the January 6 riot in Washington…Conspiring to obstruct justice…Withholding important documents at home…Conspiring to defrauding the U.S…Racketeering…Conspiring to print false money…Conspiring to Impersonate a public officer…Filing false documents…Keeping the globe’s 8 billion inhabitants confused, worried, and scared…Conspiring to obstruct justice…Falsifying business records…Accepting Bribes…Falsifying the results of the North American Free Trade Agreement between Canada, Mexico, and the United States.

St. Paul: Peter, I can see the challenge you are facing.

St. Peter: Trump has committed further crimes but the judicial system absolved him due to corruption or the incompetence of the prosecutors.

St. Paul: Tell me Peter, what’s the story of Melania, his wife. I understand she was taken by a fashion impresario to the U.S., together with a dozen other models. She did not immigrate. And yet she was granted an “Einstein Visa” which is gifted to landed immigrants who are super-special and would have a significant positive impact on American society. What was super-special about Melania? Her cheekbones or lizard eyes?

St. Peter: To learn that you have to wait for volume two of The Sins and Crimes of Humanity.