Three Hoods Plot
By Jirair Tutunjian
The three leaders of the far-right Israeli cabinet (Finance and Defence Minister Bezalel Smotrich, Security Minister Itamar Ben Gvir, and Minister of Interior Aryeh Deri) held an emergency meeting to address an issue which gives them sleepless nights no matter how many Trazodone pills they gulp before they go to bed.
Smotrich: Aryeh, I had a chat with Ben Gvir before you joined us. He and I are concerned that you are not doing enough to expand the settlements on the West Bank and to drive the so-called Palestinians from Judea and Samaria…the land which was given to us by Jehovah and is now illegally inhabited by these Mohammed hordes.
Ben Gvir: I’d like to interject and point out that during Aryeh’s management, the number of settlers increased to 530,000 while East Jerusalem’s Jewish population reached 250,000. These are remarkable achievements.
Aryeh: Thank you, Itamar. We have done everything to drive these Mohammed-worshippers from Eretz Israel. We cut and uprooted millions of their olive trees. The cultivation of the olive trees is a major industry of these Arabs. We have cut their water and electricity. We killed their sheep and goats. We denied them medical care. We have even shot ambulance drivers. We have killed doctors, journalists, and babies. We have devised cruelty which Germany would have envied. Every day we devise a new plan to make the West Bank…sorry, Judea and Samaria…unlivable for these Bedouins.
Smotrich: But despite your super human efforts, these occupiers of our land are increasing in number.
Ben Gvir: There were 880,000 Pals living in Judea and Samaria in 1967 when we recovered the land from Jordan. It’s now 3.3 million. That’s a horrible trend.
Deri: What else do you want me to do? Short of chaining them and tossing them to the other side of River Jordan, I can’t think of another ploy to get rid of them.
Smotrich: If we don’t take drastic action now, in a few years we will be a minority in our land
Ben Gvir: I wish we could deport all Pals between the ages of sixteen and forty-five. The Americans will not let us.
Deri: How about slowly poisoning the ter
Smotrich: Hmmm.
Ben Gvir: What about the non-Arabs living in Judea and Samaria? Armenians, Assyrians, and Greeks.
Deri: Don’t worry about them. They are 10,000 to 12,000 at most.
Ben Gvir: Give me a minute. Let me develop this idea. How about this? Pal couples will not be allowed more than one child. If they do, the father and the mother will be fined and deported with their children.
Ben Gvir: It’s a good idea, Aryeh which I can improve. How about a government permit to have a child? We can charge $5,000 per child. It will help get us some easy money and shrink the Pally numbers.
Deri: I love it. We will impoverish Pally famil
Smotrich: Considering the economy, where would they get $5,000?
Deri: Some have relatives overseas. They might send the money.
Smotrich: The idea is good but needs improvement.
Deri: How?
Smotrich: You and Ben Gvir forgot that these detritus of the desert can have four wives. It means a Pally male can still have four children.
Deri: Dear Bezalel, we can change the law at the drop of a hat. As you know, we are running the so-called West Bank while pretending the paper donkey called Palestine Authority runs it.
Ben Gvir: Friends, let’s go to Bibi’s office and tell him about our proposal. He will say “Yes” because he knows he would lose the upcoming election without our support. But before Bibi…wait.
Ben Gvir picks up the phone. “Hello, is that Zion Pizza? Send me three large pizzas, four servings of fries, and two bottles of family-size Diet Coke.
Smotrich: That’s what I call Coke wise, pizza foolish. I bet he weighs as much as two Arabs.
