Trump Chastises Turkbeijan Twins
By Jirair Tutunjian
A recent three-way confidential telephone conversation among Donald
Trump, Recep Erdogan, and Ilham Aliyev.
Trump: Gentlemen, due to my round the clock conversations with
Netanyahu, I have little time for other international issues. I will come
to the point without wasting time: I don’t appreciate your recent
shenanigans.
Erdogan: Mr. President, we regret your discomfort. Please tell us how
we have transgressed.
Trump: Do you realize that I can topple you in a second if you continue
playing games with me? Don’t forget that I have dozens of nuclear
bombs at Inch-er-ling.
Aliyev: Mr. Donald, please tell us what’s wrong.
Trump: I am talking about my highway which will slice southern
Armenia. Since it will be built on Armenian soil, Armenians call it
Meghri Corridor. But they graciously agreed to re-name it after
me…Trump Route for Peace and Prosperity, TRIPP for short. America
would have a 99-year lease and exclusive development rights.
Erdogan: Mr. Donald, we know all this.
Trump: Please don’t interrupt me. While TRIPP would develop East-
West trade, the major beneficiary of TRIPP would be your two
countries. Nicky-Chive-Van enclave will become genuinely part of
Azerbaijan although, in fact, the enclave historically belonged to
Armenia.
Aliyev: Mr. Donald, I would like to protest your allegation that
Nakhchevan belongs to Armenia.
Trump: Ill Ham, you can protest all you want but facts are facts.
Aliyev: The highway will not cross Armenia. It will cross Western
Azerbaijan. Armenia is a fictional entity. Its accurate historical name is
Western Azerbaijan.
Trump: Ham, Ham, you are once again wasting the time of the most
important man in the universe. Here we have an upstart country which
is younger than a bottle of Coke claiming to own a country which is
almost three thousand year old. Until recently, you were northern Iran
but now have the temerity to talk nonsense to me. I find upstarts
intolerable.
Erdogan: Mr. Trump, I agree with Mr. Aliyev.
Trump: You do, eh? What would you say if I told you that all the lands
from the Gulf of Alexandretta east to the Republic of Armenia rightly
belong to the Armenians?
I am angry because both of you have intentionally insulted me. I do not
tolerate mouthy upstarts.
Erdogan-Aliyev: How? How?
Trump: You first called the corridor Zing-A-Zur although it will be
travelling over Armenian lands. I understand you now refuse to call the
highway Tramp Route for Peace and Prosperity and are provocatively
calling it Pan-Turkic Highway.
Erdogan: Mr. President, we use the Pan-Turkic Route for domestic
consumption.
Trump: So you keep double ledger books. Don’t you see your
hypocrisy? One for your bazaar crowd and the other for the United
Nations.
Erdogan: That’s called being a politician. Didn’t one of your western
writers describe an ambassador as someone who is appointed to lie on
behalf of his country?
Trump: Contrary quotations are dime a dozen and so are crooked
diplomats. I want to talk about another nuisance which Aliyev has
created with Turkish backing. I am talking about Azerbaijan’s demand
that 300,000 Azeris, who once lived in Armenia, be allowed to return to
Armenia and to recover their possessions.
This is absurd and dangerous talk. Ilham, why don’t you talk about the
500,000 Armenians who had to flee the Azeri pogroms, in addition to
the dismissal of 130,000 Armenians from Karabak?
Erdogan: Mr. President, we are NATO allies. Turkey obstructs Russian
penetration to the Mediterranean. We allow the installation of your
death-and-disease spreading nuclear bombs in our land. Azerbaijan
prevents Russian penetration into Iran and is close to the Israelis. These
and other friendly gestures by Turkey-Azerbaijan should be respected.
Trump: And some people, with primitive taste buds, love the diabetes-
inducing abomination called Turkish Delight.
I have talked long enough. Unless you mend your ways, I will place you
in my Dubious Friends’ log book. Enough said. Sabah Khyar, gentlemen.
