Of Big Mouths and Grand Illusions
By Jirair Tutunjian
Past midnight last Sunday Benjamin Netanyahu flew in a military helicopter to Ercan International Airport in Turkish-occupied northern Cyprus. The Demented Twins—Bezalel Smotrich and Itamar Ben-Gur– were in tow. Their limousine headed to the Northern Cyprus Caesar Resort where Recep Erdogan and his Foreign Minister Hakan Fidan were waiting. Following quick greetings, the Gang of Five got down to business.
Erdogan: Welcome to Turkish Cyprus.
Netanyahu: It seems as if it’s a suburb of Tel Aviv.
Erdogan: As agreed by our intermediaries, today’s agenda is about dividing the Arab Middle East between our countries.
Netanyahu: Obviously, Shite Iran has to be eliminated before we can proceed with our division.
Erdogan: Have you persuaded the Fat Orange Balloon to raze Iran?
Natanyahu: We are almost there. The balloon is negotiating with Pakistan: he is promising them a chunk of Eastern Iran. Once that’s done, you will see the installation of the late Shah’s slow-witted son on the Peacock Throne. The over-grown boy will take his orders from us.
Erdogan: I remember the good old days when Turkey, Israel, and Iran were covert allies and scuttled Gamal Abdel Nasser’s dream to unite the Arabs.
Netanyahu: As Foreign Minister Fidan knows, Israel played a large part in wrecking the plans of the Hitler of the Nile.
Erdogan: We keep hearing of your plans to expand Israel to include all the lands between the Nile and the Euphrates.
Bezalel Smotrich: It’s nothing new. It’s a three-thousand year-old plan. Have you wondered what the two blue bands on our flag stand for?
Hakan Fidan: According to social media mavens, the strips stand for the Nile and the Euphrates.
Erdogan: Please be more specific. What about Jordan and northern Saudi Arabia? Do you plan to take them to?
Netanyahu: For more than three decades, Jordan has been a diplomatic province of Israel. We can walk in and fly King Abdullah-Madullah and his entourage to London, their shopping arena. We might carve a sliver of Saudi Arabia.
Despite our Biblical pledge—“from the Nile to the Euphrates,” we will not touch Egypt. Why would we want to govern a failed state of 115 miilion, including 40 to 50 million Blacks.
Erdogan: Egyptians are not Arab. They are various tinctures of Black Africans. Modern Egypt was founded by an Albanian rebel. But tell me about Lebanon.
Netanyahu: You can have Lebanon but the South will be ours. Let’s talk about Kuwait, Iraq and Syria.
Erdogan: Remember these lands were Turkish until that fat drunk Churchill gave them to the indolent Arabs. You may keep the Golan Heights, but the rest of Syria plus Iraq and Kuwait will be ours.
Netanyahu: Up to a point. I want part of western Iraq abutting Jordan. By the way, what happens to the idea of independent Kurdistan? Kurds have been our staunch allies since the Fifties. We have to give them something.
Erdogan: We can set up a Kurdistan Authority…like your toothless Palestine Authority.
Fidan: If Israel takes the mentioned Arab countries, it will have 120 to 150 million Arabs under occupation. You are having difficulty controlling six million Palestinians. How will you control 150 million hostile Arabs with your population of 7 million?
Ntanyahu: We have a two-part plan. There are ten million Jews outside Israel. We will offer them free land and commercial concessions all over the Middle East and other bonuses to lure them to Israel. Twelve million Israelis can easily control 150 million Arabs through heavy police surveillance, a no-nonsense army, intelligence services, judges, and through modern surveillance technics. We would know even when they blow their noses.
Erdogan: A few months ago your former prime minister… Naphta something… said we are Israel’s number-one enemy. We understand he will succeed you.
Netanyahu: He is blowing hot air. No Israeli shares his perspective.
Erdogan: But a few months ago, you yourself said we had committed the Armenian Genocide.
Netanyahu: Let me quote an Egyptian phrase…”kalam fadi.” Empty words.
Erdogan: I am glad we are of the same mind. It’s no surprise. After all, many historians say European Jews descend from the Turkic Khazar people.
Netanyahu: We will go back to Tel Aviv and consult our cartographers, ethno gurus, and the Chief rabbi. Once we finalize the details, we will present you the new map of the Middle East. As a sweetener—lagniappe—(a little something extra) we will instantly recognize the Republic of Turkish Cyprus when you take over the whole island.
