The Anna & Nikol Electronic Tete-a-tete
By Jirair Tutunjian
Anna Hakobyan, student since September at the Beijing Normal University, recently phoned her better half Nikol Pashinyan.
AH: How are you, Nikol jan?
NP: I am fine. I just returned from Rome where the Vatican elevated an Armenian priest to sainthood.
AH: Who was the priest? Why was he honored?
NP: Aah, Anna, you should know better…what do I know about Church matters? I don’t even believe in the bearded guy who lives over the clouds. I think this priest was busy during the Genocide. That word again.
AH: Are you still having problems with Chatoghigos Karekin?
NP: I jailed a couple of his henchmen…the two troublesome archbishops…and put the Gyumri mayor in jail. As usual, most of the people are silent, except for the noisy usual suspects. Tell me how are you?
AH: I am having an identity crisis.
NP: What do you mean?
AH: Some of my classmates think I am Ghislaine Maxwell’s sister hiding in Beijing.
NP: Come to think of it, I can see the resemblance.
AH: Hajees jan, don’t say that. I have beautiful eyes and complexion.And I have a great fashion sense.
NP: Of course, of course…What was I thinking?
AH: Other students are mocking me, calling me Anna Nicol Smith.
NP: That’s odd. Why?
AH: Nicky, Nicky…Have you had a good sleep? “Anna” is me; “Nicol” is you.
NP: But who is this Nicol Anna person?
AH: I don’t know…some years ago she apparently was an American pornographic actress. Because of our names…Anna and Nikol…these slanted eyes are having fun at my expense. Anna Nicol died of drug addiction.
NP: No wonder centuries ago, the Chinese were considered “inscrutable.”
AH: Any other news?
NP: Chaghotigos Karekin has another trick up his sleeve. Because we are not married, we are living in sin, Karekin says. He and his minions are spreading the word that we are living in sin and you have no right to the “First Lady” title. K 3says the fact that you use “Hakobyan” and not Pashinyan proves his point. I think it’s time for another raid on St. Echmiadzin.
AH: I lost you there. Did you say “K3”? Isn’t that the second-highest mountain in the world?
NP: No, no, no. I call him K3 because his predecessor was also Karekin, in addition to the late Istanbul Patriarch.
AH: You are so witty, Nicky.
NP: I humbly admit that attribute. But tell me how are your classes?
AH: My philosophy Master’s degree course is an uneasy mix of the East and the West: I have to master…sorry about the pun… Confucianism, Taoism, Chinese ethics in addition to the Greeks, the Romans, and 17th century French thinkers. You can call it a chop sui of a philosophy course.
NP: In the Middle Ages, the Arabs used to say: “Seek knowledge even in China.” Sorry, Anna…I have to go. I have a Zoom meeting with Recep and Aliyev in an hour.
AH: What’s the meeting about?
NP: Integration. The measures we need to tighten our relationship and eventually brand ourselves as the “Caucasian Bloc”.
AH: What about Georgia?
NP: Right now Tbilisi is in bed with Moscow. I don’t know how that engagement will last.
AH: Nicky, Nicky, be careful. The walls have ears and dozens of satellites are listening to us.
NP: I know. I was sending them a message.
AH: Can you update me about the condition of the Artsakh leaders who are in jail in Azerbaijan? Are you trying to have them released?
NP: Anna, Anna…You’ve been away just for two months and have already forgotten our priorities. Why would I try to have them released? You know if the annoying Artsakh junta is rele
AH: What would you do if Russia tries to unseat you?
NP: Why I would invite Erdogan’s millions of soldiers to come down Agri Dagh (that’s what Turks call Ararat) and march on Yerevan.
