The Tropholic First “Lady” of Gaserbaijan Pashinyan’s Authorized Preposterous Armenian History

By Jirair Tutunjian

Keghart

The Tropholic First “Lady” of Gaserbaijan

Some people collect stamps. Others collect coins, first editions, sports cards…Mehriban Aliyeva, the First “Lady” of Azerbaijan, Vice-President of the same gangster entity, the leader of the New Azerbaijan Party, and head of the Heydar Aliyev Foundation collects trophies…medals, titles, ribbons, and anything shiny that states from Serbia to Kuwait to Pakistan toss her way. It would take more than a page to list her 40-plus trophies and medals which have been attached to her cosmetically-enhanced chest by Russia, Georgia, Poland, Hungary, Bulgaria, Switzerland, Italy, Belgium, UNESCO, Israel…Thus, the Vatican was a Johnny-come-lately when it awarded Mehriban (it means “kind person”) her undeserved Order of the Pope Pius IX Dame Grand Cross in 2020.

It’s pointless to point out that she deserves none of the trophies. The awards piled on her are all about building bridges with Baby Aliyev, dictator-for-life, war criminal, and genocidier.

Some of her trophies are hamstrung by ponderous-ridiculous names. For example, the Patriarch Kirill of Moscow bestowed upon her the Princess Olga Order of 2nd Degree of the Russian Orthodox Church. One assumes the First “Lady” of Azerbaijan was not amused by the “2nd Degree.” Perhaps to make amends (did Putin phone him?), Kirill later gave her the Order of the Saint Equal-to-the Apostle Princess Olga 1st class“ in recognition for “her role in preserving traditional values.” Yes, such traditional Turkic values as imprisoning journalists, torturing human rights advocates, and slaying members of the opposition political party.

She has also picked honorary degrees, honorary citizen recognitions, good-will ambassador designations, friendship orders, and two honorary doctorates.

 

 

In addition to awards by foreign countries, Azerbaijan has pitched in to fatten the Mehriban (Mehribun?) Trophy Trove. Thus, Mrs. Aliyev has received from her generous and gaseous homeland the following awards:

Public Figure of 2001
The Person of 2005
Woman of the Year 2005
The Person of the Year 2015
The Heydar Aliyev Order
Cossack Glory award
Mikayil Huseynov Medal 2017
Guzeir Hajibogli honorary medal.

If you think the number of the above trophies is excessive, especially for someone who runs a successful dictatorship with her husband, Mehribun would merrily argue with you. For example, she would point to you that despite her impressive collection of trophies, the Guinness World Records has failed to contact her to include her unique, superlative, and impressive collection.

Two other international organizations have also been remiss in their responsibilities to the Queen of Baku. The culprits are the International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ISAPS) and the perfume industry of France.

Dior, Givenchy, Guerlain, Chanel, YSL, etc. have irresponsibly and ungratefully failed to recognize the financial contributions Mehribun has made to their industry through her money-is-no-object beauty budget. However, a bigger tardy party is ISAPS which apparently has been sleeping on the job.

Gasbaijan’s First “Lady” must be one of the most frequent customers of ISAPS members round the world. Mehribun has apparently “augmented” everything above her waist, especially her face. As a result, she has a problem showing a full range of facial expressions. Apparently, her extensive and expensive effort to look younger than her years has been successful: a few years ago, at a U.S.-Azeri diplomatic function attended by Mehribun and her two daughters, a U.S. Secret Service Agent asked: “Which one is the mother?”

Finally, there is the matter of her wealth (she is one of the richest women in the world.) Her wealth is state secret although it’s known that with her hubby, she owns an insurance company, has ties to state-run businesses, has large investments in several banks, co-owns a telecommunication company, a travel agency, the only Bentley dealership in Gaserbaijan, and owns the second-largest gold mine in the country.

Meanwhile, lonesome Mrs. Dictator sits at home checking her phone and laptop to see whether there are any messages from ISAPS or Jean Patou.

Pashinyan’s Authorized Preposterous Armenian History

A few weeks ago, while vacationing at a five-star Antalya resort, Armenia’s Prime Minister Nikol

Pashinan took the weekend off to draft a 13-chapter outline of a book he plans to write where he would offer his version of Armenian history. The outline of the book was leaked by a mole at Pashinyan’s office.

 

Chapter I: Mount Ararar or more appropriately Aghri Dagh has no place in the Armenian coat-of-arms because the volcanic formation is in Turkey. The Armenian obsession with the volcanic outcrop is incomprehensible to any thinking person. The Japanese do not adore Fujiyama, the Italians don’t adore Etna, Stromboli or the Vesuvius.
Chapter II: Armenia is not the cradle of the Indo-European race. Ukraine is.
Chapter III: Krikor Lusavorich was not Armenian. He was a Hellenized Persian propagandist. Khor Virab is a geological formation, and King Drtad III’s descent into animalism is psychobabble.
Chapter IV: There were no 40 Hripsimiants Virgins or Abbess Kayane. No Roman historian has mentioned them.
Chapter V: Considering the occupations of Armenia by various nations, there is no Armenian who is 100 percent Armenian.
Chapter VI: Mesrob Mashdots copied the Armenian alphabet from the Ethiopian alphabet when he was doing research in Ethiopia.
Chapter VII: General Vartan Mamigonian was a sentimental fool of Chinese descent. He sacrificed 60,000 Armenian soldiers on behalf of a Judean carpenter of questionable parentage.
Chapter VIII: Our rejection of Islam is the biggest blunder of our nation. It has resulted in untold misery and genocide for 1,500 years.
Chapter IX: Hatai, which Armenians call Cilicia, was illegally acquired by Armenian princelings. The land belonged to Byzantium.
Chapter X: Movses Khorenatsi, Agatangeghos, Pavdos Pizant, Goryoun, Yeznig Goghpatsi, Mateos Urhayetsi, etc. were fabulists.
Chapter XI: Armenians lived comfortably in the Ottoman Empire until reckless and violent Armenian revolutionaries tried to dismantle the generous empire.
Chapter XII: Hagop Baronian and Yervant Odian didn’t write a single funny line. Like Bedros Turian, Misak Medzarents, Taniel Varoujan, et al, they were provincial writers with no knowledge of Armenia proper.
Chapter XIII: Turkish should become the second language of Armenia and Armenia should form a confederation of Turkeye and Azerbaijan.

To research his delusional missive, Pashinyan plans to consult the following sources:
– Ataturk Mustafa Kemal, The Trojans were the original Turks (University of Basterma, 1936.)
– Bayendi Dr. Imam, The Truth about the Armenians (Kelleh Pacha Institute, 1954.)
– Dr. Don Key, Famous Armenians of Turkish descent (Bilge University, 2015)
– Kismet Inonu, How the Great Ataturk Rescued the Armenians (Sarsakh Strategic Foundation.)
– Odian Yervant, Abdul Hamid and Sherlock Holmes (Sarsam University, 1920.)
– Russell Yakov, The Albanian Roots of Armenians (Yell University, 2020)
– Shishmanoglu Sarsari, 2001 Armenian Words of Turkish Origin (Sakhat Institute of Afyon-Karahisar, 2010.)
– Soony Donald, The Phrygian Origin of Armenians (Moe-Town Press, 2010.)