Zionia’s Long-Range Strategy Unveiled
By Jirair Tutunjian
Prof. Zev Jabotinski, Dr. Zvi Ben-Gvir, and Prof. Zeb Strangelove have gathered in an underground bunker, below the Shekel Tree Dollar store in downtown Tel Aviv for their weekly confab. Today’s agenda is about Zionia’s long-term
Prof. Zev: What does Commander Haimovich say in his report regarding Armenia’s air
Dr. Zvi: In one word: dismal. If there is another war, the Azerbaijanis will roll into Yerevan.
Prof. Zeb: I know retired air force Commander Haimovich went to Armenia upon the invitation of a political party to provide strategic advice, analyze Armenia’s security situation, help develop novel defense concepts, and strengthen their cardboard air force.
Dr. Zvi: He concluded that an excellent air defense is a matter of life and death for Armenia. He is now writing his recommendations…with advance copies to us.
Prof. Zev: As the Americans say: we now have the $64,000 question. Have the Armenians asked Haimovich why we want t help them when we were instrumental in their defeat in the Second Karabakh War?
Prof. Zeb: Trying hard to avoid the question, Haimovich said a
But there is another matter. Haimovich wants to know what will be dictator-for-life Ilham’s
Dr. Zvi: I don’t think this is the place for lame jokes. Does anyone know whether Haimovich tested the old sow in Armenia?
Prof. Zeb: What’s that?
Dr. Zvi: It’s an old tale. Thousands of years ago, there was an Armenian princely family named Azkazounian. According to some historians, due to constant attacks by Turkish marauders,the family packed and migrated north to Eastern Europe where it changed its name from Azkazounian to Ashki
Our rabbis shot down that story although I hear Haimovich brought up the tale in Yerevan. Armenians didn’t buy it either.
Prof. Zev: Now we come to the toughest question: “Why does Israel want to help Armenia despite being in bed—so to speak—with the Big Nose of Baku?
Dr. Zvi: A very good question. It’s time to show our cards to Yerevan.
Prof. Zeb: The whole truth?
Dr. Zvi: A version of the truth. We will tell them everything except for our Grand Plan. Our enemies think our goal is the Biblical promise–from the River Nile to the Euphrates. They have no idea that our plan calls for the conquest of all of the Levant, Iran, North Africa, Cyprus, northern Saudi Arabia in addition to control of Bab el-Mandeb and Hormuz Straits.
Prof. Zeb: We are getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s talk about Armenia…a linchpin to our plan. You know about the Armenian Genocide and the Armenian hostility towards Turkey…Turkiye…Turkya…
We will tell the Armenians that we are preparing for the eventual Doomsday War with Turkey. To weaken Turkiya’s defenses, we need an attack on Turkya from the east…by Armenia and Azerbaijan and from the southeast by Kurdish irregulars while the IDF handles the big job from the south, including—if necessary–a nuclear bomb or two to stop the 900,000-strong Turkish army.
Prof. Zeb: Hold on to your horses…why would the Big Nose join the Armenians and attack Big Brother Turkiye?
Dr. Zvi: We will tell Baku’s Cyrano that once Turkey is vanquished we will give Eastern Turkey to Azerbaijan and allow his army to march to Yerevan.
Prof. Zeb: But what about our promise to Armenians that we would return parts of eastern Turkey to Armenia?
Dr. Zvi: I hate to remind you that we are not in Kindergarten. This is a game for hard-nosed realists who, divorced of sentimentality, will say and do anything to advance the cause of the state they serve. To sweeten the deal, we will be nice to the Armenians of Jerusalem and drop the Cows’ Garden acquisition.
Prof. Zeb: Amen…I mean shalom.
