Friendly Advice
By Jirair Tutunjian
A recent phone conversation between veteran dictator Recep Erdogan to budding dictator Donald Trump, AKA Orange Balloon.
Erdogan: Donald, how are you?
Trump: I am doing great. I am at the top of the world, as always.
Erdogan: That’s why I am calling. I am worried you…might be toppled.
Your brave talk might work on FoxTV and MAGA imbeciles but not with me. Please listen to what I am going to tell you.
Trump: Shoot, buddy.
Erdogan: You remember the attempted coup d’état against me ten years ago? I will tell you how I beat the treacherous rioters in 48 hours.
Trump: Why are you telling me this?
Erdogan: You are in denial, Donald. Your enemies are growing in number.
Trump: Yeah, yeah…tell me what’s on your mind.
Erdogan: It’s safe to assume that when your enemies increase in number they will become more daring…and even try to topple you.
Trump: I guess dat is possible. So what do I do?
Erdogan: YOU organize a fake coup d’état….THEN YOU ACCUSE YOUR ENEMIES of planning the coup. You become the avenging angel…the savior of the nation.
Trump: That’s real clever…real foxy…sly stuff…I love it. It’s beautiful: I organize a coup and accuse my innocent enemies of launching the coup. I arrest them and organize kangaroo courts.
Erdogan: You got it. I will tell my good friend Dr. Oz to show you the details. He will be our conduit.
Trump: I always suspected that Oz was informing you of our confidential cabinet meetings.
Erdogan: Let me tell you how we suppressed the fake coup d’état. It was a tripartite hammer: military, police, and justice. Some 300 people were killed—overwhelmingly people who opposed me. More than 2,800 were wounded, and 40,000 arrested. Since the American population is three-and-a-half times that of my country, your numbers will be much higher. We arrested 2,750 judges and 10,000 soldiers. We also fired 21,000 teaching staff. Overall, we arrested 77,000 people and fired 160,000. In 48 hours we wiped out my enemies. Ah, before I forget: we shuttered 15 universities and 35 hospitals. In the process, we also tamed our irresponsible mass media. Now 90 percent of the media is owned by my government. I can’t remember the number of journalists we imprisoned: I know many are unemployed.
Trump: You know something… what you are advising reminds me of a similar story. I am a big history buff. What you advised reminded me of the Reichstag fire. The Nazis started the fire and accused their enemies of arson.
Erdogan: You can call it a friendly exchange: the Nazis borrowed the idea of the holocaust from us…our elimination of Armenians. Ten years ago, I lifted a page from the Nazi files and organized a coup against myself. It was a successful enterprise. Dr. Oz can provide you with practical guidance.
Trump: If my coup succeeds, I’ll give you all the “F- “ fighter planes you want and at discount prices. When my coup is successful I’ll make Oz my Secretary of State.
